Archaeologists excavating Michael Jackson’s tomb in Forest lawn, California, have uncovered traces of semen that match the DNA makeup of adolescent Homo sapien males.

A team of researchers from HBO and UCLA’s Cotsen Institute of Archaeology confirmed the discovery this week after studying the tomb for the past six months. Jackson is entombed in Holly Terrace Grand Mausoleum at Glendale Forest Lawn Memorial Park, outside Hollywood, North Los Angeles.

The scientists have uncovered numerous samples, including a fossilized deposit believed to be approximately 1,000 years old found between the crack of Jackson’s ass. More was found between Jackson’s teeth and under the nail beds on both his hands and feet. Some of Jackson’s skeletal remains are boy semen and not bone. 

“We learned a lot from this discovery. First, Michael Jackson was at least 1,000 years old at the time of his death, or he was a time traveler, which is a theory that has existed for quite some time. Second, he kept some boy cum between his ass cheeks and protected it by some means. We think it could be an heirloom or spiritual adornment,” said lead researcher and UCLA fellow Dr. Samuel L. Jackyungs. “Hollywood elitists have been known to use the blood and semen of children as a sort of Fountain of Youth. That could be the case here as well. It is well known that Michael Jackson’s ass was in much better shape than the rest of his body. Now we may know why.”

“We don’t know what this guy was doing a thousand years ago or how he transported this ancient child semen to 21st century California, but he was into some stranger stuff than we could have imagined. He may have been jerking boys off with his feet. We may be dealing with the most sophisticated child predator to have ever walked this earth. A super predator who fed off of little boys’ semen the way a vampire feeds off of blood,” Jackyungs said. “He wasn’t just the King of Pop; he was the King of Little Boys’ Pop. As in, jerking off little boys until they ejaculate.” 

Another researcher on the project, UCLA professor Dr. Bussin Knuts, said numerous questions remain unanswered. 

“Our current estimate is that Michael Jackson’s tomb is at least 15% little boy semen and that his body is approximately 10% little boy semen. There is more cum here than any one person could consume or produce in a lifetime. We’re talking Tonka trucks full of semen. He had to have been draining children on almost a daily basis to amass this much cum because little boys only cum a little bit at a time,” Knuts said. 

“At this point, we aren’t even entirely sure that Michael Jackson actually existed, or if he was just a glob of child semen that somehow took a human form. Imagine a snowball rolling down a hill, but instead of snow, it is cum, and instead of rolling down a hill, it is passing from the tip of one little boy’s penis to another, over and over again millions of times over hundreds of years. We are still trying to figure out what’s going on here, but we know for sure that there is more little boy cum here than you should ever find in one location. It is a cumspiracy.” 

Scientists from the Wexner Center for Human Trafficking and Sexual Assault at Ohio State University are performing additional research on the samples. 

“This is the youngest boy cum we have ever recorded. Furthermore, we think the youngest sample comes from an infant boy, which is baffling because infant boys do not produce semen and are not able to ejaculate,” said Ohio State researcher Mia Lampshade. “One possibility we are examining is that Michael Jackson used his vast resources to genetically engineer boys so that they could begin ejaculating at a young age. This is the most plausible scenario, but it does raise additional questions, such as how Michael Jackson was able to muster such advanced technology before the advent of computers.”

Conspiracies regarding Jackson’s ability to time travel are longstanding. In 2009, researchers found a bust of an Egyptian statue housed in The Field Museum in Chicago that resembled Jackson’s face. A painting from the 1600s also looks like Jackson: Portrait of a Young Man by Barent Fabritius, which hangs in the Städelsches Kunstinstitut in Frankfurt, Germany.

Jackson gave credence to such theories himself with his 1992 video for “Remember The Time,” which is set in ancient Egypt and depicts Jackson as a wizard who magically appears and disappears to entertain and seduce the Pharaoh’s Queen.

The HBO executives who funded the current archaeology project say the discovery will result in valuable new programming. 

“Maybe he was a reincarnated Egyptian prince. Maybe not. I don’t care. What matters to us here at HBO is proving that Michael Jackson spent most of his life molesting young boys. We are quite invested in that idea, but were never able to catch him with a boy’s penis in his mouth, despite numerous attempts to frame him,” said Amy Cumlovey, HBO Co-EVP of Programming. “Our goal here was to come up with enough material to justify another documentary and to directly associate Mr. Jackson with a young boy’s cum, which we have accomplished. There is little boy semen all over this man and his tomb. We got him white-handed.”  

Image courtesy of Pat Scullion on Flickr

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