National News

Les Wexner Auctioning Off His American Girl Doll Collection for Charity

Columbus billionaire and avid doll collector Les Wexner announced today that he will be auctioning off his world-class American Girl doll collection for charity....

Kanye West Pens Heartfelt Note to People of Ukraine

Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, penned a heartfelt note to the people of Ukraine this week. In an exclusive leak obtained...

Archaeologists Discover Little Boy Semen In Michael Jackson’s Tomb

Archaeologists excavating Michael Jackson’s tomb in Forest lawn, California, have uncovered traces of semen that match the DNA makeup of adolescent Homo sapien males. A...

Smithsonian Selects Columbus for Museum of Alcoholism and Shootouts

According to an announcement from the institute’s board of regents, the Smithsonian Institution has selected Columbus, Ohio as the home for its new National...

Taliban Launches OnlyFans Competitor OnlyQurans

The Taliban has launched a new website, OnlyQurans, aimed at spreading the message of Islam and the strict moral guidelines prescribed in the Quran....

Slaves Owned By Dr. Seuss Speak Out For The First Time

In light of six Dr. Seuss books being censored for racial insensitivity, several slaves who were owned by the late children's book author are...

Politician Believes He’d Make A Difference If He Wasn’t Such A Piece Of Shit

After taking moral inventory, a local politician believes he could have a positive impact on his community if only he wasn't such a piece...

Trump Gives Homeless Veterans a Lifetime Supply of Signs

President Trump today pledged that his Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) will be helping homeless veterans grow their panhandling businesses by providing them with...

Mike Pence Says He Shouldn’t Allow Men to Suck on His Penis

Vice President Mike Pence said he shouldn’t allow men to suck on his penis because it goes against his Christian beliefs.  “I am a Christian...

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Prosecutor Claims Judge Schuck Violated Her Via LinkedIn

DELAWARE, Ohio — Describing what she called a devastating...

Downtown Delaware Ghost Sign Finalists

Downtown Delaware has been working to restore several ghost...

Punch the Monkey Killed in Israeli Airstrike

ICHIKAWA, JAPAN—Describing the seven-month-old Japanese macaque as a growing...

Prosecutor’s Office Requires Judges to Schedule Blowjobs

DELAWARE, OH—Claiming that a local judge's routine visits to...

Jim Schuck: ‘I Became a Judge to Get Pussy’

By Judge James P. Schuck, Delaware County Common Pleas...