Prosecutor’s Office Requires Judges to Schedule Blowjobs

DELAWARE, OH—Claiming that a local judge’s routine visits to receive oral sex from a junior prosecutor had begun interfering with casework, Delaware County Prosecutor Melissa Schiffel confirmed Tuesday that she addressed the matter last year by requiring all future blowjob appointments be scheduled in advance. “Of course we’re going to have young prosecutors available to service judges—you do whatever it takes to win cases,” said Schiffel, adding that the problem arose when legal briefs started sticking together and staff were being pulled away from trial prep. “Sucking the right people off is a big part of what we do here, but it can’t be the only thing we do.” Schiffel noted that in addition to the scheduling system, she had mandated efficiency training to help prosecutors bring judges to climax faster, freeing up more time for social media. At press time, Schiffel was exploring ways to muffle crying in order to reduce disruptions to adjacent offices.