By Judge James P. Schuck, Delaware County Common Pleas Court
I want to address some of the allegations that have surfaced about me in the news over these past few months, because I think there’s been a lot of unfair characterization of who I am and why I did what I did.
For a man like me, the entire point of becoming a judge is to get pussy.
That’s the entire reason I became a lawyer, and why I got involved in politics. You could argue it was for power, but I never got that powerful. I didn’t have what it took to run for higher office or be the star of the party. What I did have was an impeccable averageness. I was the kind of guy nobody felt threatened by, which in politics means people help you. I became a judge because the opportunity was there and I took it. It was as good as I was ever going to do.
My family was proud of me. My wife still thought I was a schmuck, but she called me a faggot less often. Things were good.
But that didn’t last. Eventually every day started to feel the same. I realized the rest of my life was set. This was it. I started to gain weight, started falling asleep in my man cave watching Woody Allen interviews. Having sex with my Little Tanisha doll was torture. Having sex with my wife was even worse. The only thing I looked forward to was jerking off. And going out to lunch at 1808, but even that lost its luster. All my lunch companions were dudes.
Then a 25-year-old beauty queen got sworn in at the prosecutor’s office, and suddenly everything made sense. I remembered why I hadn’t killed myself.
My purpose in life wasn’t just to become a judge. It was to become a judge and use that to get pussy. When I saw the young assistant prosecutor, Miss Delaware County, I knew exactly what she was. A 25-year-old bumpkin with a law degree and a tiara who wanted to feel important. And I knew exactly what I was. A 50-year-old man who was going to fuck her.
So what came next should be no surprise. We had consensual sexual intercourse. It happened because it was destined to happen.
I’m not going to go into detail about what we did because frankly it’s nobody’s business. I started off by fingering her in my chambers. Then she performed oral sex on me and we had sexual intercourse. I also Eiffel Towered her with a maintenance man at the courthouse. A negro. And I used my gavel to pound a sex toy into her anus. But beyond that I think the specifics should remain private.
Did I cry when she started pulling away and reasserted ownership of that sweet little pussy? Of course I did. Did I show up at her apartment when she didn’t respond to my texts? Yes. Did I jerk off into my robe and then sentence a man to 15 years in prison? It’s called compartmentalizing. Did I google whether a 50-year-old judge can legally adopt a 25-year-old woman? It was a legal question. None of these are crimes.
So yes, I had an inappropriate extramarital relationship with a young attorney who tried cases in my courtroom. It was wrong. It was unethical and I take full responsibility for the damage it has caused to my family, to the court, and to the public’s trust in our judiciary.
But it was not a crime. I did not rape anyone. I did not sexually assault anyone. The allegations are false, and I am confident that the investigation will confirm what I already know, which is that I am not a rapist. I’m just a guy who threw a few years of his life away over pussy. Next time, it will be different.
