ICHIKAWA, JAPAN—Describing the seven-month-old Japanese macaque as a growing distraction from the serious threats facing the civilized world, the Israel Defense Forces confirmed Tuesday that a precision strike on the Ichikawa City Zoo had successfully neutralized Punch the monkey, who was killed clutching his signature stuffed orangutan.
“There is a war happening right now and half the world was paying attention to this little banana nibbling waste of oxygen,” said IDF international spokesperson Lt. Col. Navidad Shoshani. “It’s become quite clear that we’re gonna have to kill a lot of…well, everybody, frankly.”
Shoshani confirmed that Punch and the stuffed orangutan known as “oran-mama” had both been buried at sea, and that despite evacuation warnings being issued to the zoo in advance of the strike, 52 additional monkeys and 234 civilians were also killed in the blast.
At press time, the IDF announced follow-up strikes on IKEA, the Swedish manufacturer of oran-mama, and confirmed it had begun the process of exhuming and desecrating the body of Steve Irwin as a reminder of what happens to people who live in harmony with the natural world and all its inhabitants.
