New Housing Development Approved for Mingo Park

Share This Post

The Delaware Planning Commission has approved Manifest Destiny Fields, a controversial housing development planned for Mingo Park. 

Riverwest Gapers, a Columbus-based developer and pornographic film production company, plans to build 50 units in the park, including a mix of single-family homes, wigwams, and luxury long houses. The proposal now heads to city council for a final review before construction can begin.

Delaware residents have harshly criticized the project, with dozens voicing their displeasure to planning commissioners at Monday’s meeting.

“Please, please do not do this. This is a historic and popular natural space that is very important to our community,” pleaded Union Street resident Jennifer McFarland, whose family frequents the park. “We have enough development in progress. Destroying a beloved park seems unfathomable.”

Officials brushed aside such concerns, arguing the need for housing far outweighs the need for parks.

“Miss McFarland, ma’am, your pleas have been heard. And now, officially, they have been ignored. We need housing and money more than grass and other organisms that don’t pay taxes,” said Planning Commissioner Bob Landfill, referring to nature. “Besides, we’re only destroying the green space in the back, not the whole park. Amenities like the pool, rec center, skate park, gay sex spots, and shelters will remain as-is.”

Developers assured residents that Manifest Destiny Fields will be unlike any other housing development and will honor the Native Americans who once inhabited the area. 

“We’ve received a lot of feedback from people who say they wish they could live like Indians– without any of the spirituality, love, or connection to nature– while maintaining the modern amenities we all enjoy today,” said Riverwest managing partner Lando Queefboy III. 

“Imagine it: residences with 3,000 square feet of clay floors, deerskin countertops, and holographic spirit animals, each complete with Wi-Fi-enabled dreamcatchers and self-digging latrines overlooking the scenic remains of what used to be a thriving forest.”

Riverwest says the development will boast a reflecting pool that projects an artificial reflection of Americans living in harmony with one another on land they haven’t destroyed. 

The traditional HOA will also be rebranded as a Tribal Council, with the president referred to as “Chief Fuckleroy” and board members chosen based on the courage they’ve displayed in small claims court. 

“Yes, this is about squeezing every last dollar out of Delaware before it is completely ruined,” Queefboy said. “But it’s also about preserving our community’s longstanding history of dunking on featherheads.”

Longtime Delaware resident, indigenous rights activist, and naturalist Rose Tryington says she’s had enough and plans to commit a mass shooting at the next Planning Commission meeting. 

“I am done talking about this,” Tryington said. “I’m just going to kill all of these people.”

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Related Posts

Volunteers Needed to Rake Leaves at Blue Limestone Park

To combat the unsightly side of autumn, the City...

Ignore That Drunk Man With Machete

A hammered drunk man wielding a machete is wandering...

What is a Dead Rat’s Midget’s Anus?

Ah, a question as old as time. Let us...

Health Dept: Please Don’t Copulate on Mattress Behind Kroger

The Delaware Public Health District has asked residents not...

‘Can Opener’ Opens Actual Can

The notorious 'can opener' bridge lived up to its...

Cocaine Lemur: Missing Pet Goes On Drug-Fueled Rampage in Marysville

The saga of the missing red ruffed lemur from...

Subscribe to Stay in the Loop