The Delaware Planning Commission has approved Manifest Destiny Fields, a controversial housing development planned for Mingo Park.
Riverwest Gapers, a Columbus-based developer and pornographic film production company, plans to build 50 units in the park, including a mix of single-family homes, wigwams, and luxury long houses. The proposal now heads to city council for a final review before construction can begin.
Delaware residents have harshly criticized the project, with dozens voicing their displeasure to planning commissioners at Monday’s meeting.
“Please, please do not do this. This is a historic and popular natural space that is very important to our community,” pleaded Union Street resident Jennifer McFarland, whose family frequents the park. “We have enough development in progress. Destroying a beloved park seems unfathomable.”
Officials brushed aside such concerns, arguing the need for housing far outweighs the need for parks.
“Miss McFarland, ma’am, your pleas have been heard. And now, officially, they have been ignored. We need housing and money more than grass and other organisms that don’t pay taxes,” said Planning Commissioner Bob Landfill, referring to nature. “Besides, we’re only destroying the green space in the back, not the whole park. Amenities like the pool, rec center, skate park, gay sex spots, and shelters will remain as-is.”
Developers assured residents that Manifest Destiny Fields will be unlike any other housing development and will honor the Native Americans who once inhabited the area.
“We’ve received a lot of feedback from people who say they wish they could live like Indians– without any of the spirituality, love, or connection to nature– while maintaining the modern amenities we all enjoy today,” said Riverwest managing partner Lando Queefboy III.
“Imagine it: residences with 3,000 square feet of clay floors, deerskin countertops, and holographic spirit animals, each complete with Wi-Fi-enabled dreamcatchers and self-digging latrines overlooking the scenic remains of what used to be a thriving forest.”
Riverwest says the development will boast a reflecting pool that projects an artificial reflection of Americans living in harmony with one another on land they haven’t destroyed.
The traditional HOA will also be rebranded as a Tribal Council, with the president referred to as “Chief Fuckleroy” and board members chosen based on the courage they’ve displayed in small claims court.
“Yes, this is about squeezing every last dollar out of Delaware before it is completely ruined,” Queefboy said. “But it’s also about preserving our community’s longstanding history of dunking on featherheads.”
Longtime Delaware resident, indigenous rights activist, and naturalist Rose Tryington says she’s had enough and plans to commit a mass shooting at the next Planning Commission meeting.
“I am done talking about this,” Tryington said. “I’m just going to kill all of these people.”
