Prosecutors announced Tuesday that the Delaware County Drug Task Force’s year-long investigation into a local chocolatier has concluded with a prison sentence for 22-year-old Kyle Saum.
Foamy-mouthed Delaware County Common Pleas Judge Marianne Hemmeter sentenced Saum to 11 years in prison Tuesday, emphasizing that she takes particular pleasure in destroying young people’s lives over victimless crimes.
Prosecutors outlined why they pursued such harsh penalties.
“Willy Wonka is a fun character on the movie screen, but when he’s living next door, selling your children candy that makes them want to live more fulfilling lives instead of serving the ruling class, that’s a major problem for all of us,” said Major Crimes Assistant Prosecuting Attorney Daniel Cogley.
The investigation began when officials noticed troubling changes in community behavior. “We knew something was up when people started dancing at First Friday events,” said Task Force Commander Lt. Sarah Mitchell. “Generally, they’re walking around the ring of home siding vendors like trained labradoodles, making polite small talk about the weather while avoiding eye contact. Then suddenly they were organizing their own events without permits, sharing food and resources instead of just buying things, and building relationships that didn’t require corporate sponsorship. Something terrible had happened.”
During a December 2024 raid of Saum’s residence, officials seized more than 10 pounds of cannabis concentrate and numerous boxes of chocolate bars infused with psilocybin.
“We have a responsibility to prioritize the threats that have the most adverse impact on our community,” said Prosecutor Cogley. “Yes, fentanyl kills people every day, but that pales in comparison to the negative impact of psychedelics. With fentanyl, users get addicted, check out of life, and often die. It’s horrible for families, but it ends. When they die, the courts get fed probate proceedings; think tanks get fed data points; the media gets fed headlines; elected officials get fed talking points. We all eat off of that.”
“With psychedelics, the person keeps living, having profound spiritual experiences and discovering their authentic selves,” Cogley continued. “Before you know it, they’re questioning our two-party system or saying ‘no’ when we tell them to bend over and let us insert a microchip in their asshole.”
At press time, Delaware County Drug Task Force officials encouraged residents to report any family members or neighbors who seem unusually happy, introspective, or demonstrate increased empathy and creativity, as they may be on the wrong drugs.
