Man Jerks Off Into Bucket

A Delaware man is resting today after spending the evening feverishly masturbating into a bucket in his backyard. 

Joe Tugger, of the Northwest Neighborhood, said he was tired of masturbating in a typical fashion and started ejaculating into a bucket to heighten the thrill. 

 “There’s something titillating about walking into my backyard butt naked, gripping my penis with both hands and stroking it off until I splooge into my bucket,” Tugger said, growing noticeably aroused as he looked longingly out his back window. “I was married and had a family once, but I couldn’t ignore the call of the wild. So I chose the bucket life.” 

Neighbors were unaware of Tugger’s habit because his landscaping shields his penis from view.

“I see him in his backyard making weird faces and howling at the moon sometimes, but there’s a bush that blocks him from the chest down,” said neighbor Marley McClintock. “I always thought he was autistic or something like that. I would have never guessed he was jerking off into a bucket. But hey, to each their own. It’s his yard.”

Ohio Wesleyan professor Dr. Lester Cumteeth, a leading masturbatory science researcher, says masturbating into buckets grew more popular during the pandemic.

“As more people were stuck inside and working from home, there was a strong desire to escape normalcy, and people had to think of creative ways to get off. For many men, the answer was to go out back, write ‘CUM’ on the side of a bucket, and masturbate into it. My research shows that 20% of people experimented with masturbating outdoors during the pandemic, and 5% have continued the practice.”

Delaware Police spokesman Randy Randelol said that masturbating in public view is a crime that could result in jail time. 

“It may be your property, but that doesn’t mean you can play the Cum Bucket Challenge where other people can see you. If you insist on ejaculating in strange places, we advise you to go out to the garage, shut the door, and cum into a bucket like a semi-normal person. That’s much better than spending time in the Delaware County Jail.” 

Dr. Cumteeth estimates 25 people in Delaware County will jerk off into a bucket sometime today.