The Police

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Dealing with the Public Safety Department of Ohio… Being pulled over Twice in One Awful Night… Raped by the State Highway Patrol… Eventual Inebriation in the Woods…

It was June 23, 2010. I left work at the restaurant at around eleven p.m. My friends were camping at Alum Creek and I decided I would go out there to unwind.

Well, it did not happen that quickly. I was supposed to get a couple ecstasy pills that night, so I went to Carrot’s house to smoke a bowl and figure out this situation. The deal ended up falling through… so Carrot and I decided to go our separate ways for the night. I left his house around midnight. Driving down the highway at this hour… always makes me paranoid. Even though I am doing Nothing Wrong, I know it is just myself, a few other drivers, and just as many Pigs out on the road. Of course, I was pulled over about two minutes after I got on the highway. Yes, my license was suspended… but I had done nothing illegal. I did not reply to a random mail request to prove I had car insurance quickly enough… but I Have insurance. Anyway, the Delaware City Police Officer approached the car.

“How are you doing tonight?” asked the officer.

“Fine,” I replied, realizing I would probably be shat on once again by this horrible police department.

“Well, I just wanted to let you know that your license is suspended,” said the officer.

I proceeded to explain to him what happened with the Public Safety Department of Ohio… and he didn’t even seem interested.

“Well, officer, I had received a letter from the Public Safety Department of Ohio asking for proof of insurance. I did not respond quickly enough, so they suspended my license.”

The officer looked at me impatiently, and began to wave his hand as if to stop me from speaking. I continued.

“I eventually sent them my proof of insurance, but they sent me a letter back saying that was not adequate. They said they needed proof that I had insurance on February 28, 2007. So I sent that to them last Monday.”

“That is fine, I just wanted to let you know that it was suspended. I have gotten those letters in the mail myself. This may not go for all officers, but I will let you go with a warning. Be safe.”

The officer did not even ask for my driver’s license… I could not believe it. This Pig actually acted as if he were human. Someone should do some kind of scientific experiment on this specimen…

Alum Creek, minus the cops

I pulled back onto the highway, still wary of all other drivers around me. I pulled onto Cheshire road, and eventually made it to the park after getting a couple rounds of directions from my drunk friends. I pulled up past the parking lot, and decided to park in one of the spaces, so I could make another call to be sure of where my friends were back in the campgrounds. It had been more than a year since I’d been there. As I pulled into the parking spot, I saw those dreaded lights flash in my rear view mirror.

“FUCK!” I exclaimed, as I threw my cell phone into the seat. “You have to be fucking kidding me!”

I slumped down into my seat, contemplating how many people have had this sort of luck. Being pulled over twice in one night is bad enough… but in a parking lot? Jesus H. Christ…

This was not a park ranger, by the way. This was a state highway patrolman. I waited about five minutes for the officer, and then I hear his door open. Out of the door lumbered a short, fat man with a mustache. He waddled up to my car, and knocked on the window. I rolled it down, and looked straight at this fat dickhead.

“How are you doing tonight?” asked the Pig.

I didn’t respond.

“The reason I pulled you over is because your license plate light is out.”


“Do you have your license, registration, and proof of insurance?”

“Yes, I do.” I handed him the paperwork.

“Now, do you have any weapons, alcohol, or drugs in your vehicle?”

I look at him, obviously a little pissed off. “No.”

“Do you mind if I take a look around in your vehicle?”

“I would rather you not, I am trying to get to my friend’s camp site.”

“Ok, I will be right back, don’t go anywhere.”

I sat there, already knowing what was about to happen. That Pig was going to run my information, and the first thing he will see is that my license is suspended. I looked around my truck, thinking I need to clean this piece of shit out. There is shit lying all over the place…

About ten minutes passed, and I am still waiting on this obese asshole to come back… and he finally stuck his head in the window.

“Step out of the vehicle, please.”

“Fuck,” I muttered. I opened the door, and stepped out onto the asphalt. The fat officer was standing by his car, which was directly behind mine. I looked to the right, and realized he had called in another officer to assist him. He was tall, lean, and tan. He wore a mustache, and his eyes were glaring at me. He stood there silently, while the fat Pig told me what was about to happen.

“Did you know your license was suspended?” asked the fat cop.

“Yes…” I said, and I started to explain the situation to him, as I had earlier to the DPD. However, the other cop crossed his arms, and asked, “have you had anything to drink tonight sir?”

I looked over at him, pissed off that he had interrupted me.


“Well, you’re leaning on your car there, so it looks like you might have had something to drink.”

I shook my head, and took my hand off my truck. I stood up straight, and continued my story. I told him the whole story, ending with the fact that the DPD told me that it would mess up the process of reinstating my license if I were to be cited.

“The cop said that would be bad,” I said.

Then the skinny douchebag piped up. “Yeah… bad for you.”

I looked at him, and he was visibly angry. He looked like he wanted to shoot my ass right in the parking lot.

The fat cop said, “Well I am going to have to give you the ticket.”

I pleaded with him to reconsider, but he would not. He told me to go and sit in my car, while he wrote up my ticket. I sat down, and lit a cigarette angrily. I waved it around, and cursed loudly. I was only about halfway through my cigarette, when a different officer came up to my window out of nowhere, and said, “Sir, step out of the vehicle.”

I looked over, startled at his appearance. I began to take my key out of the ignition, when he added, “Yeah, I can ask you to do that.”

I was visibly angry at this point. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, well I could see the attitude in your face,” said this prick newcomer.

I stepped out of my truck and said, “This is unbelievable.”

The fat cop asked me to step toward him. I was asked if I had any drugs, or weapons on my person. I said no, but the fat Pig insisted on searching me. While the fat cop was searching me, the slim, tan douchebag was standing in front of me, with his arms crossed looking straight at my face. Of course, they found nothing illegal on me. The fat cope turned to me.

“Ok, were going to have the dog sniff around your car. This is to check to see if we have probable cause to search your vehicle.”

I was stunned. I did not act inebriated, or high the entire time… yet they had called in the dogs on me. As the dog cop was basically choking the dog with the leash… the tan dickhead stood in front of me, but a little to my left, so I could see my truck. He stared at me. “What, are you nervous?”


The dog jumped on to each of my doors, and the dog cop came back and said, “Positives on both doors.”

The fat cop approached me, and told me that I needed to sit in the back of his cruiser while they searched my vehicle, for his safety, and for mine.

I stepped into the back of the cruiser, and handed that fat asshole my keys. I called my friend, and ranted into the phone for a few minutes, while all three of those shitheads scoured my truck. I was fairly sure I didn’t have anything illegal in there, but I can never be completely sure.

They searched for about fifteen minutes, and I was quickly going insane in the back of the police car. I was screaming at those bastards at the top of my lungs. Then, after they had searched for a good 20 minutes, the fat cop hunched over, and leaned on my car. He was trying to catch his breath… I guess searching my car was a very strenuous activity for him. He looked at the other two, and both of them nodded solemnly. The fat cop proceeded to yell “FUCK!,” and swing his arm. He gathered himself, and walked toward me. He opened the door, and peered in, still breathing heavily.

“Um, do you have any friends… that might have uh… smoked marijuana in the car recently?”

I answered an emphatic “No!”

“Well, um, can you think of any reason that uh… the dog would have smelled drugs on your vehicle?”

“No. I don’t know what is wrong with your dog, but there is no reason he should have smelled anything on my truck.”

“Well, ok. Just sit tight.”

He walked back to the cops and threw his hands in the air. The proceeded to talk for about five minutes, laughing about the entire situation. I was irate. I had just been fucked out of and hour and a half of drinking so these bastards could search my vehicle for no reason other than that a dog jumped on my car after being practically thrown into the side of my door.

The fat cop finally returned, and gave me my keys and my information.

“Well, we didn’t find anything. We’re not going to give you the citation, but you can’t drive. If we catch you driving, we will give you the ticket.”

I was a little angry, but relieved that I would not have to deal with a ticket.

“Have a good night,” said the fat Pig.

“I will.”

I called my friend, and I walked to the camp site. I felt like I had been raped, but at least the beer was plentiful at the site. I had Won. The Pigs Lost. That is all that matters.

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page:


  1. Funny, I had a similair experience a few years back. Only they scattered my clothes on the parking lot in the process of strip searching my vehicle without probable cause. They asked me the same thing about the pot and it took four of them and a dog to do it! I don’t even smoke pot and no one had smoked AT ALL in my vehicle! BS-

  2. I don\’t live near Columbus but I\’ve attended auocitns and I know you have to know your cars and prices before you go or you\’ll end up paying too much. Police impound auocitns actually give you a better chance of getting a good deal because there aren\’t so many car dealers there bidding against you. Here\’s more about it:.


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