The following emails are from Ohio Wesleyan University Judicial Board case 32109. On May 1st Dr. Fred Johnson, suspecting one of his Intro to Maps students was violating the Academic Honesty Policy, forwarded the emails to the Judicial Board. After review and testimony, fourth year Freshman Blake Macalister was dismissed from the university for violating the policy.
Uh, like, sorry I couldn’t make it to the final today, my sister went to the Grand Canyon, and drove her car into the canyon. The car like totally exploded into pieces, and there was fire everywhere. I repelled down the canyon and this dude I don’t even know cut the rope with gardening shears. I think it was that really smart Asian kid that sits in the front row. I think he did it because he was jealous of how much I studied for your exam… uh anyway… I fell down, and now I’m a vegetable. So I think I should be excused from the exam until Friday.
Blake “The Beast” Macalister
Uh, I’m that Asian Kid. You know, the one who sits in the frontvrow and thinks he’s all smart and shit. Um, I forgot to tell you at the final today, but I was visiting the grand canyon, lookin for like Godzilla and shit, and I saw that real tough kid Blake and he was like totally trying to save his sister, who drove off the Grand Canyon. Uh, He risked his life and repelled down, and I was like jealous cause he’s so much stronger and cooler than I am, and I cut his rope with gardening shears and he like fell down and uh broke every bone in his body. Sense he’s so strong he like, stood up, even though he was hurt, and totally saved his sister from the car and hiked all the way up. Um, anyway, he is really hurt now, and the doctors like transplanted all of his organs for him cause he’s so cool. And uh, he’s like a total vegetable now, and I feel really bad because I realize he missed his final. Um, like I think that you should totally give him until Friday to do the exam. Uh, also I want you to give me an F for being a cocky douche bag who thinks he’s so smart but really isn’t.
Uh, this is Blake Macalister’s sister, and uh, I just wanted to let you know that Blake missed his exam because he was saving my life at the grand canyon. I was totally taking in the sights at the grand canyon when this huge python tied itself around my leg and started trying to trip me to make me fall into the canyon, and I enventually lost my balance and fell into the canyon, and I totally fell under all these rocks and my elbow was broken and I tore my right eyelid, so I couldn’t see well. So I got my cell phone out and called my awesome brother blake because he is so reliable and i knew that he would come and help me no matter what because he is so cool and the shit. He drove up in his badass Hummer H3 which is totally not for chicks and jumped out of the car window into the canyon, did a back flip, and parachuted down to my rescue like James Bond or something. I totally wanted to make out with him even though he is my brother. He is definitely way cooler than that Asian kid, who tried to hit on me once and I totally shut him down because he is a big loser who probably has a small dick.
Susan “Thick Ass” Macaslister
Uh, this is Steven Blankenship, head of the Grand Canyon Sherriff’s Department. I just wanted to let you know that this guy, Blake Macalister, was in the Grand Canyon the other day and totally saved his smoking hot sister. I remember when she first came to the Canyon, I saw her come in and she had amazing tits and a nice ass. She was walking along the canyon, and was having some trouble walking. Out of nowhere, this giant mountain lion jumped out from behind the brush and growled in her face. She screamed, and started to fall backward into the canyon, and I was totally scared and froze up while seeing this. Out of nowhere, I see this seemingly random person jump out of this badass ferrari, jump down into the canyon after her, grab her, and landed on his back, with his sister on top of him. The guy (Blake) was so totally awesome and strong that he just got up and hopped back up the canyon while whistling. His sister was totally fine, but then Blake told me he had pain in his back. I told him I would award him the Grand Canyon official hero’s medal as soon as he is back on his feet, which should be sometime around Friday. He is amazing, and you should definitely let him retake his exam after I give him his much deserved award. I also want to recommend that that retarded Asian kid in his class gets sent here to my office so I can personally whoop his ass because he is a faggot who tried to suck my dick when I wasn’t looking.
Head of the Grand Canyon Sheriff’s Department
Uh, I’m that Mongolian mountain lion that attacked that really badass dude’s sister the other day. She was walking around, enjoying the Grand Canyon, and I totally got pissed because I’m an angry foreign mountain lion who can’t stand to see white girls be happy. I totally saw her walking close to the edge and jumped off of this cliff and scared the living shit out of her, because I’m an asshole. She started to fall down the cliff and I roared approvingly. However, out of nowhere, this guy (Blake) jumped out of a burning building and swooped down in a glider, picking the girl up on the way. He totally saved her life, but ran his head into a large rock accidentaly, because he was going so awesomely fast. Anyway, the injury didn’t affect him until he brought his sister to safety, which is totally sweet. I won’t ever attack another human again, except for maybe the stupid fucking dweeb virgin asian kid. I just want to rip his intestines out with my claws and feed them to my cubs. I also think you should let Blake take his exam, because I could tell how studious he was when he explained to the Sherriff how he wished he could make it back in time for his maps exam.
Monty the Mongolian Mountain Lion
You are a moron. I will personally make sure you are finally kicked out of school.