City Christmas Tree Accused of Sexual Assault

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Downtown Delaware’s holiday festivities may end early this year after two women accused the city’s Christmas tree of sexual assault. Main Street Delaware officials are considering canceling Friday’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony and may remove the tree from its home at the corner of Sandusky and William Streets.  

According to reports received by Delaware Ohio News, two women were twerking in front of the tree Saturday evening when they felt its branches slip up their skirts and brush against their genitals. One woman says she found pine needles in her vagina the next day while fishing around for the remnants of an eight-ball she stashed up there the day prior. 

The two women, who asked to remain anonymous due to safety concerns, said the tree penetrated them without their permission and that being drunk nymphomaniacs had nothing to do with the incident.

“Yeah, we were hammered drunk, so what?” said one accuser. “I hiked up my skirt in public and started shaking my bare ass against a giant conifer. And? What? Does that mean I deserved to get raped? I was having fun. I didn’t ask that tree to stick his dry little branches inside of me or even consent to interacting with nature.”

Although the accusers identified the tree as male, trees are sexless and do not have a sexual preference. 

The women reported to Grady Memorial Hospital Sunday afternoon to have rape kits administered but were told to leave after Delaware Police informed them they could not pursue charges against a tree. Both women twerked against the metal detector and blew the security guard before exiting the hospital.

The Alexandria family, who donated the tree to Main Street Delaware, said the tree had never acted out sexually during the 40 years it spent growing in their yard.

“We never had an incident. Not even during the week my daughter spent sleeping in it when she ran away,” said Jeremy Alexandria. “I regret donating it. It was a fixture of our home for 40 years before we murdered it in Jesus’ name. Now it’s going out as a sexual deviant. I don’t necessarily believe the reports, but I know my social standing depends on going along with the crowd, so I’m not defending its actions. It’s just a shame.”

The tree was unable to comment for this story.

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.

7 COMMENTS

  1. This is the craziest story ever told. I wonder what these women were on? Trees maybe alive after they are cut but only the wind can make them move. Maybe it was an alien from another world? Or maybe they were so drunk the fell into it Hurting the tree? Has a tree Dr. Checked the tree out?

  2. A similar incident happened at Bianchi’s Bar and Grill during the week leading up to Christmas of 96′. have the police checked this tree’s alibi for that evening? I’d hate to think there’s a serial rapist Frasier fir in my hometown….but in today’s world you can’t be too careful. Does this tree have any connection to Harvey Weinstein? My future ex wife, Rose McGowan, told me that she had to be treated for “Root Rot” after the Weinstein incident.

  3. I categorically deny all accusations. In no way did I assault those whoores. Have you seen the size of my bells? If I’d penetrated them they’d KNOW it.

  4. This is the funniest shit I have ever read. I hope to God it isn’t true cause if it is there is something really wrong with this world today. The article said the one woman found pine needles in her vagina whilst looking for the remains of the eight ball she stashed there the night before… HAHAHAHAHA Oh dear lawd that is funny ass shit right there.

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