Rare Species of Female Alcoholic Resurfaces, Screams Profanities

Aggressive female subspecies threatens nearby photographer.

In the past two weeks, residents of Delaware, Ohio have reported sightings of a rare native species previously thought to have gone extinct: the drunk young white woman. We know what you’re thinking. There are millions of young, drunk white women everywhere, at every given moment. You would be right. However, this subspecies is incredibly unique in several ways which baffles not only the Ohio Department of Natural Resources and animal behaviorists across the globe, but also the community within which the almost-mythological creature is best known to inhabit. Let’s take a look at some quick facts:

A typical subspecies: seductive, but not stylish. This sloshed chick has a sock on her head.

1.This female dresses provocatively, a trait common among her kind. However, this particular subspecies is far less refined than her more feminine cousins. Her hair is often uncombed and bedraggled, as if she has recently copulated– though these females nearly never succeed in their mating efforts. Upon closer inspection, it can often be detected that the female eschews traditional undergarments. Whether this is a manipulative strategy to prompt courting behaviors, facilitate copulation before engaged lesser males lose interest, or to attract long-term, quality mates with authentic self-presentation is not yet known.

Scientists are unsure how this creature subsists on alcohol alone.

2. This subspecies is inclined to fermented beverages made from cacti. It is not often found consuming food or water; but, rather, seems to subsist entirely off of clear, distilled spirits and fruit juices or carbonated beverages.

“Show me your PANGUS! NOW!”

3. While not inherently ill-mannered or aggressive, this particular subspecies is perhaps the most dangerous of the entire genus. When well-intoxicated, these females display unrelenting courting behavior escalating from emasculating or fetishistic commentary on nearby males, to brazen displays of desire to copulate– such as demanding that males and females alike expose themselves and present their sex– as well as murderous assault and/or battery when her efforts go un-reciprocated.

The average female of this subspecies is 10x louder than a horny male howler monkey.

4. Females of these subspecies are among the most noisy creatures on our planet. It is hypothesized that this subspecies is incapable of normal human vocalization behavior such as ‘whispering’ or ‘inside voice.’ These females can be heard screeching, bellowing, growling, snarling, squalling, caterwauling, or laughing hysterically from over 10 miles away. Modern research suggests that, no, these females are incapable of, “taking it down a notch,” or simpy, “chilling the fuck out,” due to their anti-social nature and naturally higher levels of endogenous testosterone.

You can take the shit out of a pool, but these ho-hos are not pools.

5. These females have no filter. Considered an evolutionary flaw by some, and by others postulated to be the subspecies’ greatest asset, this unique creature has absolutely no conception of appropriate behavior. These females have forgone even a modicum of social etiquette and common decency, opting instead to make brash and showy displays of its strength, security, and to openly threaten lesser males and females. Such females are inclined to high-potency, loaded, emotional trigger words.

Authorities warn against: communicating with, initiating eye contact with, accepting/offering drinks from/to, responding to the advances of, responding to threatening behavior from, or attempting to extricate this subspecies from its surroundings.

Local sightings of this subspecies report the solitary female:

  1. Does, in fact, consume only clear spirits, when possible,
  2. Dresses both provocatively and artlessly; often wearing all black,
  3. Does not appear to wear undergarments,
  4. Is extremely aggressive; often carries multiple weapons, especially knives,
  5. Vocalizations can be heard most frequently on weeknights from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. and on weekends from 2 a.m. to 7:30 a.m.
  6. This particular female of the subspecies has been reported to prefer the company of Black males.
  7. The most common vocalization reported for this female is “N****r,” “F****t,” and a lethal, attention-arresting combination of the two, “N*****f****t.”

**Please contact Delaware Ohio News with any and all photographs, videos, incidence reports, and sightings related to this rare subspecies in your area.



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