Facebook Fetus Pictures Cause National Epidemic

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In the past year, there has been an alarming increase in otherwise healthy American citizens entering hospitals complaining of random outbursts of uncontrollable projectile vomiting, followed by heavy sweating and an inclination to tear out their own eyeballs.
Ninety-nine percent of these individuals said they only experience these symptoms while surfing the Internet, more specifically, the social networking site Facebook.com.

“We have been researching possible causes for these outbursts since the first patients experiencing these symptoms arrived at our hospital,” said Dr. Martin Yorbin, senior vice president for health sciences at The Ohio State University Medical Center. “We believe we have finally found the culprit that led to this epidemic. There is a common link that all patients exhibiting these symptoms share: They all have at least one friend on Facebook who is pregnant, and has posted three-dimensional ultrasound pictures of their fetus.”

Jeff Harmon, executive director of information technology services at Otterbein College, said he has been aware of this emerging trend for some time.

“As more pregnant women opt for three-dimensional ultrasound imaging technology, there has been an acute rise of disgusting, detailed pictures of fetuses appearing on Facebook,” Harmon said. “Eight months ago, some distant friend of mine was pregnant, I guess, and apparently she thought all of her friends on Facebook would want to see the tiny, deformed creature growing inside her body on their newsfeeds every day. I remember vomiting violently all over my keyboard every time I logged into Facebook until I de-friended her.”

“On a possibly related note, she poked me one time, and I immediately had diarrhea,” Harmon said.

Gary Schwartz, the inventor of three dimensional ultrasonic diagnostic image of tissue texture and vasculature, said he never intended his technology to be abused in this manner.

“This technology is only intended for use by physicians and the parents in order to track the development and health of the fetus,” Schwartz said. “It just goes to show that almost any kind of technology, placed in the wrong hands, can have grave consequences. My daughter died from the complications caused by overexposure to the fetal developments of her college roommates’ child. I feel just like Albert Einstein did after he came up with the technology to create the nuclear bomb.”

Schwartz said he has worked tirelessly for the past several months to spread awareness regarding the horrifying misuse of his invention. He has been traveling the country on a lecture circuit that includes high schools, colleges, hospitals, and the home of Delaware resident Trista Krinkle.

“It is important that young people and medical professionals understand that these images should never, for any reason, be unleashed on the public at large,” Schwartz said. “It was important to visit the home of Trista Krinkle to give a private lecture, because she has set the Facebook record for 3-D fetus posts. She has since had the child and has stopped her blastulaic onslaught for now until the likely event in which she is impregnated again.

An anonymous citizen has started a non-profit organization called “Citzens Against Public Display of Fetuses”. For more information, visit its Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Citizens-Against-Public-Display-of-Fetuses/181744011855064?ref=ts&sk=wall

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/delawareohionews.


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