Delaware, Ohio based abortionist Carl Dostoevsky successfully aborted one of two Siamese twins yesterday at Grady Hospital, dissolving the tiresome question of what to do with that cumbersome, repetitious and slightly eerie second child.
Whether Dostoevsky will be able to remove the now dead carcass from the other, still-living child remains precarious, as does the doctor’s plans for the dead twin’s many salvageable organs.
“Ideally, I would like to insert the still usable heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, etc into the remaining child, creating a sort of super-twin, if you will,” Dostoevsky said. “This would allow for an extravagant recklessness that most can only dream of: he’d have enough heart power and liver reinforcements to endure 100 years of heavy drinking and drug use, and the lung reinforcements for a lifetime of chain smoking. I envy the little lad. I really, really do.”
Dostoevsky continued, “And if this doesn’t work, we can always sell the extra organs at our annual auction, with the rest of the hospital’s extraneous body parts, drugs and equipment.”
For the abortion, Dostoevsky employed a new technique called Random Single Twin Radiation Incapacitation, in which a large radioactive probe is inserted in the female that arbitrarily shoots an intense ray of radiation at the head of one of the two twins, instantly transforming the brain into a scramble of ganglia and the twin into a paralyzed zombie, worthless in all aspects except for organ harvesting.
The parents of the twins are ecstatic with the success of the operation.
“When I first learned I was carrying Siamese twins, I was heartbroken. ‘Oh no!’ I thought, ‘My children are going to be freaks,'” said Mary Dilhoff. “But now, thanks to Dr. Dostoevsky, we can have a normal, healthy family.”
“I was worried as hell,” said her husband, Dave. “I had been planning to ditch the broad for awhile – right after child labor, actually – and the idea of paying child support for two kids seemed overwhelming, especially since I’m jobless and spend half of my unemployment checks on hookers.”
While the parents were elated, the sleeping dragon that is the Delaware religious community was slightly stirred by this new, unique form of abortion.
“As we all know, those who perform or even think about abortion are condemned to hell,” said John Roberts, Pastor of the Delaware Methodist Church. “What’s tricky is that clones of any form, such as twins, as well as those who give rise to them, are equally condemnable.”
Roberts continued, “So it’s a bit of a paradox: if you’re having twins, you’re damned whether or not you decide to abort one of them. I hate to say it, but it seems like God really didn’t think this one though.”
“Anyways, best of luck to the Dilhoffs, even though they are no longer welcome at our church,” Roberts said in closing.
The surviving twin is healthy, but will remain at Grady for another week of testing.