3/16/2020 12:50am

What even is coronavirus? No one knows.

3/15/2020 8:48pm

Delaware County is preparing to shut down. Small businesses are worried. Service workers will soon be poorer than ever. A man named Randolph McNally weeps behind a pub downtown. Solar Saloon wishes it had continued selling solar panels and other off-the-grid bullshit instead of just racism and alcohol. There will soon be an influx of pussy for sale. Check on your neighbors. Rob the rich.

3/15/2020 8:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 7:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 6:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 5:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 4:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 3:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 2:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 1:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/15/2020 12:00pm

No one in Delaware County has coronavirus.

3/14/2020 8:11pm

Delaware County Commissioners are politely asking Asians to return from whence they came. Asians from here are being asked to be honest and do the right thing (read: go be from somewhere else).

3/14/2020 8:03pm

“We are probably fucked but won’t know that for sure for a couple more weeks,” said Delaware City Councilman and Vice Mayor Kent Shafer, while drinking himself to death downtown at 1808. “I want to be remembered as a drunken good time who ate filet medallions like they were potato chips, not a coronavirus victim.”

3/14/2020 8:00pm

Health department officials have confirmed that there are no confirmed cases of gay coronavirus in Delaware County. They are unsure whether anyone has regular coronavirus.

3/14/2020 7:59pm

Delaware Police are advising residents to be on the look out for a man named Rudy Giliman, who is offering counterfeit coronavirus tests from the back of his van.

3/14/2020 7:53pm 

The Delaware General Health District is asking residents to stop bringing goats to their office. They do not understand why people are doing this.

3/14/2020 7:50pm

A man believed to have coronavirus was cleared earlier by local authorities. He was high on methamphetamine and thought his chest was caving in.

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