After taking moral inventory, a local politician believes he could have a positive impact on his community if only he wasn’t such a piece of shit. 

If he risked 90 seconds of his precious earthly lifetime, just once, truly listening to and working hand-in-hand with real people, rather than golfing with the guys who financed his campaign, he believes he would perhaps summon the strength to consider the hopes and desires of his constituents and effectively look out for their interests. 

“Sometimes, real leaders have to make tough choices, and that means they can’t always win a popularity contest,” he said in an interview with Delaware Ohio News. “However, as a career politician, winning popularity contests is literally the only thing I have to do, and that means my life is better when I make decisions based on what will get me re-elected, not what is right. If that weren’t the case, though, and I weren’t such a piece of shit, I can see myself making a difference in the world.” 

If it weren’t so easy to look straight into his neighbor’s eye sockets and tell him a bold faced lie — a lie his neighbor would rather believe than confront the savage truth about the state of our society — then honesty might rule the day.

“I have what it takes to be a better man,” he explained. “I just don’t have to be.”


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