Ohio State Sen. Kris Jordan's Abortion Scrapbook

Ohio Republican State Senator Kris Jordan is facing calls to resign and end his candidacy for state representative after an abortion scrapbook he maintained was leaked to the media this week. Jordan, who co-sponsored the Heartbeat Bill and has been a staunch pro-life advocate, allegedly chronicled over one hundred abortions that he personally financed over a ten year period dating back to 2008.

Entries in the scrapbook are complete with preliminary ultrasound images and celebratory post-op photos with his female companions. The name, age, and photo of each woman is also listed. Many of the women were employed by Jordan as personal assistants or interns, while others were plainly escorts or street hookers.

Jordan allegedly forced many of women to have abortions under the threat of having a no-power-having Trump wanna-be stalk them and vomit in their face while intoxicated. Others received financial compensation. The arrangements seemed to be determined based on the woman’s race. Jordan only coerced women of Southeast Asian, African, or Latin descent to procure abortions; white American and European, as well as select Chinese, women who managed to get pregnant by Senator Jordan’s little baby clitty all signed a non-disclosure agreement entitling them to a percentage of his campaign contributions.

We interviewed one of Jordan’s white American lovers who said, “Kris is a true-blue nigger-hating Republican man with a closet full of firearms, a safe full of silver dollars, and a wardrobe full of gold codpieces. He drives a baby blue PT Cruiser, false claims the Nell-blocc Crips, eats ketchup on his kraft mac and cheese, and drinks a case of Miller High Life every night while he watches Bob’s Burgers. He’s got drunk-face and that’s why I left him. I’ll never forget the abortions we shared together, though. He’s my blood daddy.”

When we arrived at the home of Senator Jordan, his current fuck-toy Cecilia Dzcsucz– a first generation Albanian immigrant, said the wannabe state representative was crying in the shower, listening to Drake’s I’m Upset on repeat, and demanding chocolate milk with a shot of creme de menthe every hour on the hour.

“Oooh me me,” she said, “Meesa Jordan decline a comment. Say no, no pregnant with himsa child. Meesa so sorry, Ani.”

Delaware Ohio News reporters finally caught Senator Jordan just as he was exiting Covenant Church this past Sunday morning and asked him about the allegations.  

“I do hate wearing condoms. It isn’t natural. But Jesus loves me, this I know. I’ve never personally had an abortion. It’s all good. Oopsie doodle, spaghetti noodle, I’m fucking drunk!”

Despite his track record: as a wife beating alcoholic with a passion for forcibly terminating the lives of unborn children and tracking his exploits in a scrapbook like a fucking freak, 99% of Delaware Republicans still plan to vote for Jordan in the upcoming election.


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