Liberty Township residents were shocked to discover this week that beloved local law enforcement officers are– in fact– sexual slaves to the corrupt government sugar daddies and mommies that give them new cruisers, tanks, and help them get away with sexually assaulting the drunk women they arrest.
“I’ve always respected law enforcement because I thought the police were on my side. Everything I was taught in life led me to believe the police and the people were members of the same community, that they were our protectors, keepers of the peace,” said resident Charles Imdeadnow. “But after this week’s meeting, I see I’ve had it all wrong. They pretend to be on our side.”
Some Liberty Township residents say they now understand what it feels like to be an impoverished Black man with minor misdemeanors on his criminal record. Completely powerless over a machine that doesn’t give a fuck about them.
“I get it now. Being Black sucks. I thought I had it made because I was white and rich, but now I realize I’m just another relatively weak asshole,” said Shauna Simples, administrator of popular Facebook group The Powell Bubble. “I have thousands of people posting and screaming their lungs out, trying to speak up and make a difference in their community, and it means absolutely nothing. No one listens.” Tears welled in Simple’s eyes.
“The government can do whatever it wants and the cops will back them up. We get laughed at. We’re all fucked.”
Some Powell residents are politely asking law enforcement officers to reconsider which side they are on before it is too late. Others are ready for a fight.
“At the end of the day, we have more guns than they do,” said John Dabaptist, an Ostrander weapons-enthusiast and neo-anarchist, who is turning out to be right about everything he’s posted about on Facebook for the past eight years. “Let them be corrupt. Let them all expose themselves. One day, the blood of the corrupt will be but a footprint we leave on the fresh sidewalk of history. Our children will roast marshmallows over the burning bodies of the authoritarian regime.”