Jan. 8, 2019
UPDATED: It is a well known fact that the president of Ohio Wesleyan University, Dr. Rock Jones cannot– in fact– read or write.
However, tensions escalate as it is slowly and systematically revealed that, not only is Dr. Jones’ illiteracy impossible to treat, it is mentally and emotionally incapacitating a majority of Ohio Wesleyan students.
-University Counselor, Youneeto Suckitup.
Students report panic attacks, a rise in intravenous drug abuse, violent brawls at Clancey’s, and an inability to concentrate on their school work.
“Why the fuck should I read anything if this bozo makes god knows how much to waddle around all day getting his dick tugged?” said sophomore Peesta Offenmad.
Further updates forthcoming.
Dec. 30, 2018
According to the president’s personal maid, Dr. Rock Jones cannot– in fact– read or write.
“Yeah, Doc Jones has a nearly blind, old Puerto Rican woman read to him,” said Ngugi wa’ Thiongo, “He is completely illiterate. He has a deaf Austrian child transcribe for him.”
Finally, it is clear why Dr. Rock Jones, president of Ohio Wesleyan University, communicates such simplistic ideas so poorly.
The university provost, Chuck Stinemetz, said, “Our school is fucked. That’s what we get for letting all the autistics in. It’s no wonder our faculty is drinking themselves to death, or fleeing to institutions that actually prioritize higher education.”
More to follow.