Jan. 8, 2019

UPDATED: It is a well known fact that the president of Ohio Wesleyan University, Dr. Rock Jones cannot– in fact– read or write.

However, tensions escalate as it is slowly and systematically revealed that, not only is Dr. Jones’ illiteracy impossible to treat, it is  mentally and emotionally incapacitating a majority of Ohio Wesleyan students.

“After running some numbers, Counseling Services recognized a 60 percent increase in students looking for services from this time last year.

“We are struggling to meet the requests for students wanting/needing to be seen. This is unfortunate, and it is all the fault of our garbage evangelical spaz of a president,”

-University Counselor, Youneeto Suckitup.

Students report panic attacks, a rise in intravenous drug abuse, violent brawls at Clancey’s, and an inability to concentrate on their school work.

“Why the fuck should I read anything if this bozo makes god knows how much to waddle around all day getting his dick tugged?” said sophomore Peesta Offenmad.

Further updates forthcoming.

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Dec. 30, 2018

According to the president’s personal maid, Dr. Rock Jones cannot– in fact– read or write.

“Yeah, Doc Jones has a nearly blind, old Puerto Rican woman read to him,” said Ngugi wa’ Thiongo, “He is completely illiterate. He has a deaf Austrian child transcribe for him.”

Finally, it is clear why Dr. Rock Jones, president of Ohio Wesleyan University, communicates such simplistic ideas so poorly.

Rock Jones tells all on Twitter

The university provost, Chuck Stinemetz, said, “Our school is fucked. That’s what we get for letting all the autistics in. It’s no wonder our faculty is drinking themselves to death, or fleeing to institutions that actually prioritize higher education.”

More to follow.

3 COMMENTS

  1. After hearing and reading many of Dr. Rock Jones’ speeches over the past ten years, I can assure everyone that OWU’s president is a very capable and articulate defender of the liberal arts. If I dare say so, his skills are easily superior to those of “Nina Wilde.” She has a long way to go before she will be as persuasive and convincing as Rock Jones is. Also, for the record, although I am faculty at OWU, I neither drink nor have I fled the institution. — Please keep in mind that “everything on this website is made up.” (Tom Wolber, 1/2/19)

  2. Rock Jones is 100% retarded, Tom. Why are you defending him? You know the NAZIs gassed the tards too.
    Hitler was persuasive and convincing. But even he was smarter than Rock Jones.

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