Editorial: Boob-Face

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Boob-Face is a condition that appears in 1/7,500 females. In some cases, symptoms of Boob-Face are apparent at birth, while others develop Boob-Face later in life. Boob-Face causes the nipples to be replaced with fully functioning eyes, a nose between the breasts, and a mouth, much like any human face that usually appears on heads. Those not afflicted with Boob-Face at birth begin to show symptoms during puberty, when the eyes migrate from the eye sockets to the breasts, replacing the nipples.

In both cases, the eyesight of Boob Faced individuals is poorer than that of the more prevalent population of people which have eyes in their head. This means that the eyes in the boobs usually require corrective lenses, which are illegal in the United States.

That is why I am forming Breast Optical Progress (BOP) for Boob-Faced Americans. BOP for Boob-Faced Americans is a non-profit organization pushing for the legalization of corrective lenses for the breast eyes, also known as Breast Optical Lenses.

The House of Representatives has repeatedly shot down bills that would give American citizens with Boob-Face the right to view the world through their eyes on their breasts, because they are concerned about the youth of our country being exposed to boobies with eyes. Our government wants them covered up, which encroaches on the rights and sight of our Boob-Faced sisters.

Pat Tiberi (R Ohio) has come out strongly against the legalization of Breast Optical Lenses saying, “It is bad enough that it is legal for women to show their breasts in Ohio, if we allow these freaks to show those breasts with eyes, who knows what will happen to our youth. I can see it now, my daughter asking for eye implants on her supple breasts. No way! I will not stand by while that is allowed to happen.”

It is ridiculous to think that women would want to get eye implants on their breasts. This is a serious condition, and women with Boob-Face obviously cannot see at all without the Breast Optical Lenses, and our government does not seem to care that they are blinding these individuals.

Stacey Titania, a woman who has been afflicted with Boob-Face from birth, has never been able to see one of her son’s jousting matches at the local fairgrounds.

Titania explained, “All I want is to be able to see my son knock someone’s head off–or, anything at all.”

The discrimination against Boob-Faced Americans has gone on long enough. Rally around your local Lens Crafters, or wherever. Make your voice heard. Throw your titties around. Fight for the Right to be Boob-Faced! BOP FOR BOOB-FACED AMERICANS NOW!

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/delawareohionews.


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