President Trump today pledged that his Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) will be helping homeless veterans grow their panhandling businesses by providing them with a lifetime of free signage, promotional materials, and business training. He loves them very much, yes he does.

Under the plan, homeless veterans would be able to purchase a nearly endless supply of materials for use in the construction of panhandling signs, which, according to the President’s plan, should help them attract more donations.

“I can’t wait to build my new sign. It is going to be two stories tall and bleed out of the top like a waterfall. Then it will say, ‘Virgin Mary Foundation Donation Center’ in neon lettering.”

His proposal cites research from the VA showing that homeless veterans are not all equally homeless. Some, according to the data, are more successful at homelessness. They eat better, spend less time in the hospital, and are less likely to bite people on the street. Some of them wash their hands after they take a shit and before they comb their hairs. 

The common denominator was the quality of their panhandling signage and marketing strategy.

“These veterans — we owe them the world, by the way, really, for what they have done — many of them are entrepreneurs with panhandling businesses that are failing. Their signs are inadequate. People aren’t doing business with them,” Trump said. “They aren’t doing very well and better signs will help. We are going to do that for them. Signs for life. Forever. Very few questions asked.”

“These men and women put their lives on the line for this country. Now they’re back and they can’t find jobs. Many of them are homeless, but they still don’t give up. They suit up in their fatigues, line up on city streets across this great country, and ask for money. They could all use some signs.”

Ohio Wesleyan University Economics Professor Benjamin Asstoot said the plan might actually work.

“Veterans naturally make great homeless people. They have the best stories. They really pull on our heart strings. Still, unfortunately, we ignore them. They simply don’t get our attention,” Asstoot said. “Now, imagine a covered wagon full of corpses on the street downtown; a rolling sign with neon lettering that says, ‘My dead family is in there because I lost my mind in Iraq. Please help.’ It would grab your attention. That guy would attract more donations than your average panhandler. That is an opportunity.”

According to Professor Asstoot, if just 1 in 10 veterans earned enough income to pull themselves out of poverty, that would equate to over 100,000 homeless veterans off the street. 

“My sign is going to be a coffin that I can sleep in at night and use to collect money during the day.”
“I feed my seven homeless children shredded sign material, and so far they shit just fine and aren’t too skinny. I use the rest of the shreds like a nest for us. I imagine we’re like birds. Ugly, homeless, little birds in a nest of signs.”

According to the plan, homeless veterans will be able to use computers at libraries and other public buildings to register within a special portal on the VA website, log on, order, and pick up their sign materials.

Asked why the veterans would be provided nearly limitless resources for signs but not materials for houses or other resources like money and food, economic development board chairman Eric Moooboy said no one sucks dick the way he does.

“This is the government. Do not question how we fucking ruin everything,” Mooboy said. “No one sucks dick like I do.”

Might some veterans circumvent the plan by living inside the signs they erect? “Is it possible to build a sign large enough you could live inside of it? Damn right it is,” said local sign expert Steve Watson. “My shop actually specializes in housing signs for homeless veterans. We’re fully VA Certified and take one hundred years.”

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