After months of speculation, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has chosen former Ohio State University football star Art Schlichter as his vice presidential running mate.

“I’ve known Art for many years, and I love him just as much as the people of Ohio, and the rest of the country do,” Romney said. “He was not only a spectacular Buckeye on the football field, but has proven to be a huge winner in the game of life.”

Schlichter was unavailable for comment for unspecified reasons. The Romney campaign has asked kindly that nobody “Google” him, however. This should not be an issue for Romney’s core supporters: those over 60, blind people, and serial gambling fucks constantly defrauding innocent people on Wall Street.




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