Tornado Almost Hits Ashley

Share This Post

A tornado that was supposed to hit Ashley veered away and hit a neighboring town that nobody really cares about.

Ashley resident and carpet cleaner Gary Sheepman said he was extremely angry that the tornado didn’t hit his town.

“I was in the fucking basement for six hours listening to the damn radio and being forced to talk to my stupid family,” Sheepman said. “All we had to eat down there was some old dog food.”

Sheepman’s dog died in the last tornado eight years ago.

Yesterday’s miscalculation is the second time that local meteorologist Tom Bikini has messed up a tornado forecast.

“I thought it was going to hit us, and it came pretty damn close,” Bikini said. “I don’t know why everyone in town so pissed at me. I’ve gotten like 13 death threats today.”

Local used car dealer Harley Toots said this is the last time Bikini is going to mess up a forecast.

“Seriously, I will fucking kill Tom Bikini if he doesn’t leave town before I find him,” Toots said. “I paid for my asshole uncle to fly out here when I heard there would be a tornado. I was hoping it would kill his dumb ass.”

Newt Shrinkwald, head of the political action committee F.A.M., Fuck All Meteorologists, visited Ashley last week.

“Meteorologists have ruined people’s lives long enough,” Shrinkwald said. “Not only do they accurately forecast horrible weather that makes life suck for all of us, they tell us horrible weather is coming when it really isn’t. I don’t like surprises, and neither do the American people.”

1,285 of the 1,286 citizens of Ashley convened at the high school football stadium to hear a speech from Shrinkwald.

“Newt is right dude, down with the corrupt meteorology industry!” said Dan Petrod, owner of a Dan’s Deli cart. “Did you know meteorologists don’t really even know shit about weather patterns? It turns out every school’s meteorology program is a fake. The students just watch SpongeBob Squarepants or some other stupid shit. Then they make like $200,000 a year to fuck around and guess what the weather is.”

The F.A.M. PAC had been a large contributor to the Bush administration, before Bush admitted that global warming existed.

“Now even our president is backing the meteorologists’ pro-weather forecasting agenda,” Shrinkwald said to the angry crowd. “We now officially support Ron Paul, who doesn’t believe anything exists, so I guess he wins by default. Paul in ’12!”

Bikini said he will likely leave the town in the morning.

“Fuck everyone. I hate all of these backward hicks,” Bikini said. “I just might run one over on the way out of here.”

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page:


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Related Posts

New Housing Development Approved for Mingo Park

The Delaware Planning Commission has approved Manifest Destiny Fields,...

Volunteers Needed to Rake Leaves at Blue Limestone Park

To combat the unsightly side of autumn, the City...

Ignore That Drunk Man With Machete

A hammered drunk man wielding a machete is wandering...

What is a Dead Rat’s Midget’s Anus?

Ah, a question as old as time. Let us...

Health Dept: Please Don’t Copulate on Mattress Behind Kroger

The Delaware Public Health District has asked residents not...

‘Can Opener’ Opens Actual Can

The notorious 'can opener' bridge lived up to its...

Subscribe to Stay in the Loop