Jerry Sandusky

After several weeks of deliberation, Delaware, Ohio City Council has decided not to rename Sandusky Street, which was named after convicted child rapist Jerry Sandusky in 1969.

Sandusky Street, more recently known for its five-star restaurants, classy bars, and first rate cigar/big black dick sucking shops, was originally recognized for being the street on which a much younger and less guilty looking Sandusky would teach Delaware City School kids the importance of teamwork, companionship, and trust in authority figures.

Sandusky spent several years in Delaware in the late 1960’s before returning to his native Pennsylvania and joining Joe Paterno as an assistant football coach at Penn State. During that time, he was a pivotal figure in the Delaware community, establishing a variety of youth programs and community service initiatives, some of which remain in place to this day.

Prior to leaving Delaware, Sandusky was recognized for his community service efforts with a ceremony dedicating “Sandusky Street” in his honor.

43 years later, with Sandusky facing life imprisonment on 45 counts of child sex abuse, Delaware officials have faced immense pressure to change the street’s name.

“I don’t want to tell my family I’m going out to get a sausage sub and zucchini salad at a restaurant on a street named after a child predator,” said local businessman Ron Shavely. “Penis shaped foods are the best, but now I’m scared Chris Hansen is going to jump out from behind a plant and ask me to ‘take a seat.’”

Local planning official Jason Fordham said concerned residents need to relax.

“The community doesn’t realize what goes into changing a street’s name,” Fordham said. “You can’t just change the signs and be done with it.”

Financial analysis performed by the city showed that changing the name of the business district’s main drag would be costly, including more than $12.5 million dollars worth of administrative costs, map updates, and print materials. In addition, more than 1,000 residents and business owners would be impacted.

Proponents of the name change were in favor of a city wide tax to cover the costs.

Councilwoman Carolyn Kay Riggle disliked the idea of a new tax, saying it would place an undue burden on local residents.

“Look, I am no fan of people who rape young boys, ask anybody,” Riggle said. “But I hate taxes more. I think every other Republican would agree with that.”

Councilpre-teen Andrew Brush said that while he also hates all the taxes taking away his Tonka Truck money he’s been saving since Easter, he feels he should stand up for his biggest constituency – other dumb kids.

“I just want me and my friends to feel safe walking down the street, sucking on giant lollipops with sailor hats on and not feel like all the old men are undressing us with their eyes,” Brush said. “The Sandusky Street sign reminds these perverts that they could get away with raping us for at least 15 years before anyone says anything.”

Vice-Mayor Windell Wheeler opposed the name change but agreed that the issue went beyond money.

“What we have in Jerry Sandusky is a Philanthrapist,” Wheeler explained, “a man who has done a lot of good, but also put a lot of little boys’ balls in his mouth.”

In Sandusky’s case, Wheeler said, the philanthropy overshadows the rape.

“He taught a lot of boys how to tackle, and to shower properly,” Wheeler said. “He started charities and things.”

Delaware resident Janice Gonner was outraged that City Council would even consider not changing the name.

“It’s not like Jerry Sandusky only raped boys in Pennsylvania,” said Gonner at a recent council meeting. “He spent time in Delaware, working with kids, and it’s almost certain he penetrated some of them. How can we live with that? How can we allow such a vivid reminder of his betrayal to remain right in front of our faces?”

Third Ward councilman Joe DiGenova reminded the meeting that no one from Delaware came forward or accused Sandusky of sexual abuse and that all crimes he was convicted of occurred in Pennsylvania.

“Little Pennsylvania boys having balls shoved in their mouth is no concern of mine,“ DiGenova said.

The final vote was 6-1 against changing the street’s name.

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