Rock Jones Sends International Students Packing

Ohio Wesleyan President Rock Jones shocked the university community today by announcing his support for President Trump’s immigration policies and sharing a drastic plan to remove international students from campus.

Historically, Ohio Wesleyan has been predominated by progressive liberal students, staff, and faculty. Likewise, the University has long touted the large percentage of international students predominating from West Africa, India, Pakistan, Iran, and the Sudan; a flag from the home country of every international student flies within the walls of ever-beautiful Gray Chapel. Ohio Wesleyan University saw a dramatic increase in incoming international students this year.

However, as a result of the announcement, effective December 7, 2018, Jones will seek to terminate admission and existing enrollment for any student who, as Jones describes, “Must not be black, brown, or even appearing so due to artificial or natural tanning.”

Jones explained that the decision to turn away from long-standing missions such as inclusion and diversity was prompted after the President’s most recent visit to Delaware County in support of Troy Balderson and recent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

“We will no longer be accommodating students deemed genetically inferior by University leadership. The cost of maintaining support and resources for international students with F-1 visas is cutting money from our budget which could be used to fund my many picnics and holiday dinners.”

Jones has delegated the responsibility of oversight to former Chief Diversity Office, Juan Armando Rojas. When asked why he tasked the CDO with responsibilities which contradict his original position and delegated duties, Jones responded, chewing his fingers, “Because he is a Mexican. Mexicans work hard and do what they’re told. And I thought it would be funny.”

Jones went on to say, “I am tired of hamburgers and hotdogs. Christmas is the only time I get to eat oysters, crab cakes, steak, and provide alcohol to my faculty and staff.”

When asked how this will affect Ohio Wesleyan’s reputation for its commitment to social justice and equality, Jones continued with an off-color remark: “Get the gooks and desert tards and all those blue-black jungle bunnies out of here so I put on a crab boil! I mean, am I wrong? Crab and butter! Who doesn’t like crab and butter and boiled corn with some Old Bay?”

After consulting several new international students, informed about the policy change only minutes after leaving Jones’ office, it was clear that they were furious, disgusted, and felt deceived.

Adedi Adedayo– senior, Business major, from Uganda– stated, “That pear-shaped, mush-mouth mother****er is sending me home because he wants to boil some crab? I am going to take a shit on his front lawn tonight. I’m going to have sex with his daughter and get her pregnant. She goes here, you know. Her name’s Anna…” For brevity’s sake, Adedi’s quotation has been abbreviated.

Vijay Muthili– junior, Communications major, from India– remarked, “Well, guess it’s back to the hut for me. Back to boiled rice and curry turds. And to think I was going to become a biomedical engineer! What was I thinking?”

Zhixou Yang– freshman, Computer Science major, from China– confided, “I am glad he is sending me home. There are better schools in Guangzhou, and my boyfriend is waiting for me there. I must admit I was unfaithful to him while I was here, but American penises are far too big for me, and their brains are far too small. No good.”

Mohammed Aziz Ansari Ahmed Hamed– sophomore, Women and Gender Studies major, from the United Arab Emirates– said, “I am deeply ashamed that my humanity is worth less to our University President than a crab boil. But, you know what? My parents are fucking rich. I’m going to stay off-campus the rest of the semester, get boucoup stoned, eat hella Xanax, bump that new Young Thug, and see if I can catch chlamydia twice before I back to Saudi A-Gay-bia,” Mohammed dabbed, then walked off playing the new Young Thug album.

A-wat Khemkaeng– junior, East Asian Studies Major, from Thailand– announced, “What say? Oh. Am no. Crab? Going library. No good English.”

Fellow staff, faculty, and even the student body have allowed the autocratic Evangelical pastor to parade as an intellectual for so long, they feel powerless. Even now, it seems, staff are under the overwhelming impression that there is nothing they can do—no matter how strongly they disagree.

Professor John Stone-Mediatore has this to say: “I may bring my guitar to class in lieu of teaching some days, but even a doucher like me knows that Rock Jones is a racist anti-semite.”

Provost Charles L. Stinemetz declined to comment.