Results Are In: Cops Still Pricks

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A recent polling of 275 local citizens has confirmed yet again that Delaware Police officers are pricks.

The poll found that an overwhelming 99% of people believe Delaware Cops to be pricks. The number is up from 98.8% last year.

“With a new batch of young douche bags entering the force, I’m not surprised that the number went up.” said Mike Belikio, the man behind the yearly polling. “Young cops are more likely to be pricks because they have trouble accepting how much everyone hates them.”

The poll did not exclude those under eighteen, and even those as young as seven gave their opinion.

The poll gave seven choices to each participant. The choices ranged from, “great for our city,” “adequate for our city,” “poor for our city,” “no comment,” “a little prickish,” “definitely pricks,” and “those asshole jizz lickers are huge prick fucks, who probably are somewhat retarded.”

99% of people came out on the prick side. 1% gave no comment. To break it down further, 5% said the cops were “a little prickish,” 20% said they were “definitely pricks,” and 74% said they were “asshole jizz lickers” etc.

First year Officer Jimmy Dunt said he is angry about the poll results.

“First of all, I don’t believe polls, because they are just liberal propaganda,” Dunt said. “Polls are merely a scientifically proven method of discovering what people in the community actually think. You can’t trust that.”

Sergeant Steamy Bunstooth said he’s had trouble dealing with the fact that everyone thinks he’s a huge prick, and probably the biggest one, since he’s a huge asshole prick sergeant.

“I just don’t understand why people hate us so much,” Bunstooth said. “We slap around their kids for skateboarding, send their kids to jail for drinking and smoking marijuana, pull people over for no reason to make sure they’re safe, and push college kids around at bars to make sure they get home safely. Why would the citizens not like us?”

According to this reporter, you can’t get much more retarded than that.

Belikio said he plans a new poll for 2012. This one, he says, will aim to determine whether cops should be publicly booed and shamed.

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.


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