New assistant prosecutor Jordan Vandemann was heralded by Delaware County Prosecutor Carol O’Brien today for speaking out against Issue 1 and successfully abusing his position to further their respective careers.
“It’s rare to see a young prosecutor who so innately understands the importance of playing politics and getting ahead at the expense of anything remotely resembling justice or concern for your fellow man,” O’Brien said.
Intent on making a strong impression, Vandemann issued a brief to the Delaware community on Oct. 4th, urging them to vote ‘No’ on Issue 1, the proposed constitutional amendment to reduce penalties for low-level drug offenders.
In his brief, Vandemann argued that voting Yes on Issue 1 would mean an increase in drug accessibility and abuse:
Our community is perfectly safe today because people are forced to reconcile the risk of incarceration every time they purchase or consume an illicit substance. Eliminating the threat to an individual’s freedom will encourage drug abusers to use more frequently and more openly.
Imagine walking into Hamburger Inn early Sunday morning, before church, and seeing a needle-exchange next to the cash register. Imagine ordering a cinnamon roll for your young children to share, sipping your coffee. Your youngest needs to potty. You take him into the restroom, only to find a pale, abscessed woman unconscious on the floor, a syringe still poking out of her neck, her pants and underwear around her knees. If Issue 1 succeeds, drug abuse and addiction will be normalized and you will see this everyday.
Prior to his statement, many officials expressed doubt about Vandemann’s fashion sense and sexual orientation.
“Things got off to a bad start when he failed to wear a suit to work. He, instead, donned khakis, an un-ironed white button-down under a cheap sports jacket, a stupid tie, and a stupid belt. We figured he was a faggot because no one with a wife would leave the house in an un-ironed shirt,” said fellow criminal prosecutor, Ron Quiersmier.
Vandemann– who models himself a hipster with thick rimmed glasses, beard, and an Instagram-ho haircut– sensed that local government good-old-boys didn’t trust him. He knew he had to gain their favor with a good show.
“After a few months, Mike DeWine, who frequently visited Delaware since the start of his gubernatorial campaign, began sending me links to YouPorn videos featuring soft-bodied Oregon twinks being log-jammed by old men. I wasn’t sure why, at first,” said Vandemann, who attended a prominent Portland university as an undergrad. “Then it clicked. I wasn’t being taken seriously. My superiors suspected that I was a traitor and a faggot and I had to prove them wrong. So I did.”
The change in treatment was swift as news of his statement and subsequent promotion spread throughout the party.
Ohio Republican Party Chairman Jane Timken sent her regards and pushed Vandemann to continue his work.
“Jane Timken overnighted a FedEx to my house, which my wife opened while I was at work. Inside was a pair of, presumably her own, used undergarments. There was also a note that said, ‘Congratulations on your appointment.’”
On the back of the note, Timken listed her “boy-toy” burner phone number. When Vandemann texted his thanks to Timken, she responded immediately with an invitation to mutually masturbate at the Polaris Mall Brookstone, by their faux-rock waterfall.
When asked how he reacted to the package, Vandemann said he wasn’t bothered at all.
“It actually made me feel really special. Ending with veiled threats or abusive sexual advances is just how politics works. What matters is that she recognized my efforts and acknowledged my appointment as assistant prosecutor. It’s like joining an exclusive club; I can see why politics appeals to people like us.”