Delaware resident and absolute moron Joel Sellers, 24, shot his roommate in the head yesterday and didn’t have the common sense to get the fuck out of the house.

“When I showed up on the scene, and Mr. Sellers was just sitting on the couch, playing video games next to his roommate’s bloody dead body, I was floored,” said Delaware Police Chief Al Macon. “I mean, I’m used to dealing with irrational dumbasses all the time… just look at Delaware Police Officers, for Christ’s sake. But this retard takes the cake for dumbest person in Delaware, at least for today.”

Delaware Police Officer Mark Ringworm said this was, by far, the easiest murder case with which he has ever been involved.

“Hell, the handgun was just lying on his lap when we entered the house,” Ringworm said. “I bet those guys from CSI: Miami would love to have a case like this every once in a while.”

Seller’s’ wife, Courtney, said she told her husband she would be fine with running away to Mexico or Canada, but he just pointed at the television screen and said, “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?”

“It would be totally dope if I got to 40 kills, and I’m on track this round,” Sellers said, referring to his latest, and probably last, match of Call of Duty: Black Ops for Xbox 360. “Son of a bitch, I hate those fucking RC cars! They’re always blowing my ass up.”

Neighbor, and 911 caller Treetop Nambles said he even gave Sellers a chance to flee before he called the police.

“I called ma nigga Joel up and said, ‘yo, you need to get out of your crib and out the country because I got to call the cops after that shit,’” Nambles said. “Next thing I know, he’s answering the door for the cops, letting them in the house and shit. I can’t believe how dumb some of these cracker hillbillies are around here.”

Sellers’ mother, Sheila, said she always knew her son would do something really dumb that would eventually ruin his life.

“I’m just surprised he actually shot someone else and didn’t accidentally kill himself,” she said.

As Sellers was driven away, handcuffed, in the back of a police car, he yelled out to the crowd, “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine!”

Everyone in the crowd shook their heads and walked away without saying anything.

Sellers was charged with first degree murder and is in the Delaware County Jail awaiting arraignment.

27 COMMENTS

  1. I know this person and his wife and the Delaware Police Department and I can’t believe a word of any of this. Maybe Joel was sitting there waiting cause he knew he was caught and just wanted to face whatever happened instead of fleeing.

  2. This type of thing is very hurtful to those involved. We all know it is some sort of joke, but there will be someone out there who believes this crap and draws conclusions as a result. Don’t you have something better to do??

  3. To “your mother”: The same conclusions are drawn whether you’re reading this story or one from the Dispatch: Joel Sellers is an idiot.

  4. I personally knew the boy who was shot and for you to “make fun” of the situation is ridiculous, what goes around comes around.

  5. Are you for real, My family knows both of these young men. No they may not be perfect my any means, but to say these hurtful things. Get a life.

  6. First, Andrea Kirk – Your comment is irrelevant. The fact that your family knows Joel Sellers does not make him any less dumb. And… before you tell me to get a life, think about the fact that hundreds of people are reading my piece of creative writing, while you are simply commenting on it like someone’s mother. Who really needs a life here? To Ashlie Stidam- Is that a threat, or are you trying to convince me that one of my roommates will shoot me in the near future? You are an idiot. To Thanks, Mom, and Your Dad- I appreciate that you like my work. Thanks for reading, and we will continue to provide top notch journalism. To Your Mother – I think a person getting shot is more harmful than reading a story condemning the idiot who pulled the trigger. To Kimberly Stalk – You are very observant. Maybe you should write a story about what happened.

  7. The mugshot doesn’t really support the claims made in this article. He’s obviously distraught, and not “numbed by his stupidity” as we’re lead to believe. Not that I care, I hated both these fuckers. You can always judge a person best by how they treat people they have no cause to be polite to. By this standard, they both fail. But that aside, to shoot your best friend in the face over what was likely just a stupid argument, is the benchmark of doofy behavior. Enjoy your anal rape, soft-skinned Mister Sellers. See you in 25 to Life.

  8. Where the hell is that guy’s shirt at? His dumb cracker ass must of forgotten it in all the excitement lol Amazing job on this report though the people need the truth!

  9. Maybe you should realize that obviously Mark Leatherman didn’t say that seeing as this happened during first shift and he does not even work then. I am sure whoever is writing this has a HUGE life and has nothing better to do than sit around and write about Delaware, Ohio to begin with, Dick.

  10. Whoever created this website should be proud. haha, and Hailey Leatherman, why on earth would you even comment, let alone leave your real name?!?! Clearly it is a joke. Your daddy doesn’t need defended.

  11. I don’t know where you get your information, but your story is exaggerated. If you are going to be a reporter at lease tell the true story. Instead you try to make your story funny and entertaining by adding untrue information. Alot of people’s lives were effected, and I dont find this story funny at all!

  12. who ever wrote this is a shitass moron. and im the one who called 911. i was there and this is total bull shit. none of this is true. get ur facts strait u dumbass. get a life!! ur pathetic. 1 of 3 americans die of cancer u ass hole. u will b 1 of those.

  13. I want to thank everybody for reading and commenting on my article. I’m more proud of this piece every time a new comment is posted. A follow up piece is coming soon, once I get all of my facts together. Maybe you could help me out with some facts, Jhon Doe? Shoot me an email. Thanks.

  14. Reguardless of what happened. Joel is serving his time and the people who are victims in this situation have support. I mean if you were really going to post something you should have gotten the facts straight.. that is just not right.

  15. The outcome of the story isn’t funny but the idea that he wanted to stand there and see what would happen next is. Why not pick up a book or search it out on the internet?

  16. Sofa : your a complete asshole none of what you write is true. Its shit journalism. Get your facts straight on Joel sellers and the case b4 you say things. You don’t know Jack shit about any of this your the fucking moron. Get a fucking life

  17. Sofa Malone parody or not you are a straight piece of shit. To make light of such a fucked up situation is beyond me. I hope u go blind and become a mute so no1 will ever have to hear the BS that comes out your cock sucking mouth. You truly are a piece of shit!

  18. This isn’t right at all. you got your facts wrong my man. dont say shit you dont got proof of. you aint nothin but a low life editor and i only pray god gets to you soon. if your going to write about something that happened at least write the right story. your scum for this.

  19. This article was great! I love the “Onionesk” articles. I have been laughing histericly. Keep up the good work. But I am shocked that people actually care about the loss off two supreme Delaware White Trash.

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