Kris Jordan Proposes Animal-Human Hybrid Ban

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Animal-human hybrids, who have lived in Ohio safely and free of discrimination for the past 20 years, may have to make another state their home.

Ohio State senator Kris Jordan has introduced a bill that would send all animal-human hybrids out of the state by July 1 of this year.

“I just think that we Ohioans have had enough of these genetically altered freaks running in the street, drinking in our bars, and most importantly, taking the jobs of Ohioans who were born in the traditional fashion, which I understand is through the vagina,” Jordan said. “Our economy can no longer support these deer-humans, cow-humans, duck-humans… hell I could go on for hours with these examples but I would never waste Ohioans’ valuable time.”

Delaware resident Jan Freely said she agrees with Jordan that these beasts need to become the problem of some other state.

“I can’t even leave my dog dishes outside in the backyard anymore without some dog-person eating all the food and pissing all over the place,” Freely said. “And just last week, my bird-feeder was dug out of the ground and stolen by a starving cardinal-person.”

Powell resident, and moose-person Mugsy Elkington said it is unfair to lump all animal-human hybrids together. Elkington works at a local bar.

“Most of us are not harming anybody, and just trying to make ends meet,” Elkington said. “I have enough problems paying rent, paying my girlfriend’s medical bills, and paying back student loans… the last thing I need is to get kicked out of my state.”

“However, I do hate dealing with those pesky squirrel-people. They are such know-it-alls.”

Columbus resident, and chinchilla-person Chichi Gizmo said she thinks full-humans are more of a problem than animal-people.

“I always have full-humans banging at my door with shears, ready to cut off all of my fur to wear like hats,” Gizmo said. “They are the goddamn animals if you ask me.”

Jordan said animal-human hybrids have been known to practice strange customs, and have no moral compass.

“Animal-human hybrids are immoral and unethical creatures that devalue human life and have little, if any, redeeming qualities,” Jordan said. “These creatures are a direct affront to the sanctity of human life in this state, and have no place in our society. I’m honored by and appreciative of both the Ohio Christian Alliance and Ohio Right to Life for this important legislation. It is humbling to be working with these two great organizations that strive to defend the traditional family values that most Ohioans hold dear.”

Earl Ray Tomblin, governor of West Virginia, said he would be more than happy for the animal-human hybrids to move to his state, and plans on giving each animal-human hybrid 150 dollars as they are crossing into the state from Ohio.

“I think these animal human hybrids will be very beneficial to our lagging economy,” Tomblin said. “Also, our meth-addled citizens will probably not even notice they are actually here.”

Columbus resident Benji Rabbitnovitch, rabbit person, said he the bill has divided his neighborhood, and makes him want to move to West Virginia regardless if the bill is passed.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it seems like the best option for my family is to move to West Virginia. I can’t take all the abuse I’ve been getting from Tea Partiers any more. They left an entire box of poisonous carrots on my porch last week, rang the doorbell, and ran away,” Rabbitnovitch said. “On second thought, maybe I’ll just murder my family and hang myself. Thanks Kris Jordan.”

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page:


  1. Funny that Kris Jordan is worried about animal people in his local bars. I run a local bar in Powell, and I don’t know how many times I’ve had to ask him to leave. The one time I caught him taking his drink “tue-go”. As a public figure, this hypocritical prick needs tue-go. By the way, have you seen his wife. No wonder he’s such a drunk loser, and is trying to get rid of human-animal hybrids. I think she is part camel. All I know is whenever I see her, all I see is a hump on her back, and the biggest set of camel toes this side of the Nile.


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