Fahey Bank Agrees to Build Memorial After Desecrating Historic Funeral Home

Marion, Ohio based Fahey Banking Company has agreed to build a permanent memorial as part of its new banking complex planned for the southeast corner of West William and South Washington streets in Delaware. The bank will be demolishing the existing structure, a 19th century historical building currently home to DeVore-Snyder Funeral Home, and has been facing a mounting public backlash since the announcement.

The memorial will honor the 3,150 deceased whose funeral services were held at the location over the past four decades. The funeral home first opened in 1973.

“We aren’t just building a bank here. We’re tearing down a historical building that was home to tearful memories and final farewells, replacing it with a modern capitalist monstrosity. We’re converting a community’s memories into dollars and understand there are emotions involved,” said bank president Carl Soulless. “To honor those memories, and to reduce the number of tormented souls haunting our new branch, we are committed to building a permanent monument that both captures the history of the building and memorializes the lives of those we’ve lost.”

The memorial will be located at the back of the two acre site, against a thin patch of woods buffering the property from Delaware Run. Bank officials say the primary monument will consist of small placards fashioned after the bank’s branded debit cards, featuring names of the deceased. The cards will be affixed to the garage door from the funeral home, which will be removed from the building prior to demolition and used as a memorial wall. A small seating area with an ATM and artificial squirrel’s nest will be built between the wall and tree line.

“It’s a symbolic gesture that we feel is consistent with our brand values,” Soulless said. “At some point, each of the departed took their final journey through that garage door. First, as a corpse, carted in the back of a hearse in the dead of night and ushered into a dimly lit preparation room where they were prodded, drained, and pumped full of embalming semen. Then, finally, as a ghost, expelled from the building to find their eternal resting place. By preserving the garage door and permanently recognizing the departed souls who passed through it, we’re able to remind the families of their loss and pretend to sincerely give a fuck about any of this shit.”

The company is planning to inaugurate the memorial with a public seance and funeral march beginning at the site and ending at the West William Street branch of rival Richwood Bank, where they hope to deposit any malevolent spirits who weren’t appeased by being memorialized on a debit card.