The City of Delaware is holding its First Annual “Drunkest DORA Explorer” contest this weekend in downtown Delaware. The first-place trophy will be presented to the person who “makes the most absurd display while blackout drunk” in downtown’s Designated Outdoor Refreshment Area (DORA).
City Councilman Kent Shafer said he is excited about the competition and that it should draw even more people to the downtown area over the holiday weekend.
“There is nothing more American than getting hammered drunk in public on the Fourth of July. I can’t wait to participate and watch the action unfold,” Shafer said. “Carolyn Riggle and I are going to get wasted and ride a sheriff’s horse around the streets like we’re in a parade.”
Town anarchist and avid alcohol drinker Jamie Lannister is confident he can take first prize.
“I am going to win for sure,” Lannister said. “I already know what my game plan is. I am going to take some Paul Masson to the face with my boy Yung Custodian and then I am going to pull my dick out in the middle of Sandusky Street. It’s game over at that point.”
Delaware legend Yung Custodian will judge the competition.
“It will take more than friendship to win this weekend,” Custodian said. “I’m a tough judge. I know what I am looking for. It’s that rare combination of grace, lawlessness, and absurdity that few people can muster.”
Town bike mechanic and stunt devil Shayla Turns also thinks she has what it takes to win.
“I am the drunkest bitch in town. I can insert a 6″ wide butt plug in my anus and ride a unicycle with my eyes closed,” Turns said. “Once I’m blacked out and get splattered across the hood of a car on my unicycle, tits hanging out and everything, I am confident I’ll have the competition in the bag. I’ll probably shit the plug out when that happens. I can’t imagine anyone topping that.”
The competition will be judged both Friday and Saturday nights with the winner awarded in a ceremony Sunday evening. Contestants will be tested for memory recall on Sunday afternoon to ensure they were indeed blackout drunk.
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