Dog Debate Divides Schools

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There is a growing debate on whether or not the teaching of Canis lupus familiaris, or dogs, should be allowed in public schools. Many Delaware parents do not believe dogs are real.

Local stay at home mother Heather Teeters said she does not believe there is enough scientific evidence to warrant teaching about dogs.

“I just want some proof. I’ve never seen one of these things, and neither has my mother,” Teeters said. “I also haven’t read anything about dogs in the Bible.”

The Delaware City Schools plan on having a school board meeting to decide how to address the controversial issue. Hayes High School principal Jim Smith said he was influenced to look into the reality of canines after watching the somewhat popular show Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

“‘Dog’ said he has always believed in dogs, even before it became popular to do so,” Smith said. “Ever since then, I have advocated teaching dog theory in science classes.”

School board member Matt Weller said he wants dogs and long-horned unicorns to have equal treatment in science classes, at the least.

“We don’t have enough evidence to tell our kids that the existence of dogs is a scientific fact,” Weller said.

“And what about long-horned unicorns?” he continued. “Many parents have been telling their kids about long-horned unicorns for years. If kids hear different information from the schools, they may lose faith in their parents.”

Hayes student body president Ronald Uzinski said he has been advocating bowwow reality for months.

“Dogs are real. There, I said it,” Uzinski said. “They have hair, fur, eyes, and some other stuff. Most importantly, they have legs. How the fuck can something be imaginary if it has a nice pair, or tandem of legs? That’s all the proof I need anyway. This should end the argument once and for all.”

Uzinksi said he has been persecuted by his family and friends for his belief in pooches.

“Last Christmas, my uncle told me that dogs were just a figment of my imagination,” Uzinkski said. “He was like, ‘I’ve never seen anything like what you’re describing. You probably just heard about these “dogs” in one of your stupid Harry Potter books or something. Dumbass.’”

Local parent, drug addict, and dog advocate George Pete said he learned the reality of flea-ridden mutts the hard way.

“How can dogs be fictional if one sniffed out the meth stash I had in my car when was 16?” Pete asked.

The debate in Delaware has been sparked by recent decisions from the Columbus, Cincinnati, and Cleveland school boards. Columbus allowed the teaching of dogs without referring to long horned unicorns, Cleveland decided you must mention both, and Cincinnati completely banned any teaching of animals.

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page:


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