Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine has ordered that all bars with names beginning with the letters A through F must close at 5 pm effective Friday, November 20th in order to help curb the spread of coronavirus.
“Last week I shared that further restrictions would be coming if cases continued to rise, which they have,” DeWine said. “According to the Magic 8 Ball in my frontal lobe, almost all new cases have been traced back to bars that begin with these letters. Cutting their operating hours will help reduce the spread.”
Columbus bar owner Rick Menendez said he believes Governor DeWine has officially lost his mind.
“This is clearly an arbitrary order that has no basis in science whatsoever. That Magic 8 Ball of his is a fucking brain tumor,” Menendez said. “My next bar is going to begin with the letter ‘G’ for ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Governor DeWine.’”
Additional restrictions being floated by the governor’s office include closing businesses without automatic doors, requiring restaurant patrons to eat by feeding tube, and asking people in wheelchairs to wear gloves.
“We are willing to do anything to stop this virus,” DeWine said. “Even if it means doing everything and nothing at all.”