Hundreds of couples across central Ohio and thousands across the nation have embraced simulated rape in order to prevent pregnancy, according to a recent Delaware Ohio News phone survey.

The practice is almost exclusively performed by Catholic and evangelical couples who get medical advice from pro-life advocates such as U.S. Representative Todd Akin.

In an interview on August 19, Akin, a U.S. Senate candidate in Missouri, said that if a woman is legitimately raped, the female body has a way of shutting the whole baby making part down.

Columbus Catholic Sheila Hurtlickson said she has been married for two years, and has felt guilty for using contraception since her wedding night.

“We’re just not ready to start a family yet, and I know it’s against my religion to use birth control, but we just don’t have the money,” Hurtlickson said. “Thankfully, Todd Akin has confirmed a way to still maintain a religiously pure, healthy sex life while avoiding pregnancy. Twice or three times a week, I can’t know exactly what day or time or my body will think it’s not a legitimate rape, my husband comes home from work with a ski mask on, calls me a cunt, knocks my knees out with a baseball bat and thrusts his throbbing penis into me while I scream and cry. This has saved our marriage. Praise the Lord!”

Delaware homemaker and mother of three Danielle Thornmason said she she wants to stop at three children without using “abortion pills” or “Satan dick wraps.”

“There’s nothing in the Bible forbidding throwing your wife against the wall, ripping her panties off with gardening shears, smacking her in the face with a phone book and saying ‘shut the fuck up bitch’ while forcefully penetrating her vagina,” Thornmason said. “That’s how Jesus avoided getting Mary Magdalene pregnant.”

Delaware youth pastor Harley Robinson said he has counseled newly married members of his congregation to practice different styles of rape to keep things fresh in the bedroom, in the dark alley, in the garage or wherever the guy gets hard.

“There are many ways to practice God’s birth control, or what we call it now, rape,” Robinson said. “I tell newly married males to make sure it surprises her greatly, and causes her real pain, or it won’t work. I tell them to mix it up a little bit, because relationships are tough. Tackle her from behind while she’s walking back from the mailbox, ram her face into the driveway, and enter her from behind one day, for example. The next day, punch her in the back of the head while she’s in her office paying bills, shove your cock down her throat, and cum all over her face. Get an angry dog involved. Whatever you have to do to please God and your partner.”

Delaware businessman Rohan Dedrickson said he thinks simulated rape is abhorrent.

“Come on, can’t other people just fuck their wives like normal people anymore?” Dedrickson asked, shaking his head in disbelief. “This is going to take all the fun out of raping Christian wives for me.”

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