Five hundred sixty and a half corpses have been removed from Delaware City roads in the first half of 2011, prompting a surge of reform initiatives from local advocacy group Roadkill Rights Coalition (RRC), led by Delaware City Councilwoman Lisa Keller. Pushing for above-ground burial rights for those who find public roads as their final resting place, advocates such as Keller feel that the streetslaughtered have been inaccurately stereotyped as lazy, shortsighted, worthless, unattractive, thieving beings unwilling to gird up their loins and seek a life on the sidewalk.
While many approve of the eradication of these crossroad critters, Keller has a vision to steer attitudes toward acceptance of the automobile-assassinated animal bodies that so often decorate city roadsides.
Dubbed “Roadkell” for her tireless advocacy, the second ward representative has dedicated much of her life to fighting for the rights of highway homicide victims in Delaware, with her most recent push aiming to solidify their right to reside on the roadways indefinitely.
“These unfortunate creatures – the so-called street meat of our society – have the constitutional right to remain on the road. Most people simply don’t understand the plight of these socially, and physically crushed individuals,” Keller said. “I’ve been personally involved in the lives of hundreds of roadkillians, and they are some of the most polished, smooth, grounded organisms on the planet.”
Keller has introduced legislation to allow roadkill to reside on public roads untouched until disintegration. Under the proposed law, any person caught moving a corpse from the road would be arrested and jailed for a minimum of two years.
Keller’s roadkill advocacy can be traced back to the early 1940’s, when the councilwoman saw an outdoor pal crushed by a speeding truck. Before she could reach the corpse, the driver returned and seized it, hauling the formerly restful remains down the road. There is evidence that the trucker did so in order to fulfill some kind of sexual fantasy.
The entire search party for her pal was killed by a runaway tractor while scouring the city for the body, which prompted the formation of the RRC. When Keller realized the fatal impact a creature’s disappearance can have on others, she knew it was inhumane to carry off a cadaver when it could simply decompose harmlessly on the roadside.
Ridding Roads of Remains (RRR) President Henry Samuels said allowing roadkill to pile up and rot on roadways is not only unsightly, but dangerous.
“Look, I think the councilwoman has good intentions, and she’s pretty hot for a woman, but the fact is that piles of dead mammals are a gross, potentially fatal distraction,” Samuels said. “Just last week, I was riding in the passenger seat of my brother’s car when he swerved violently through traffic and stopped to snap a picture of two raccoons. Apparently, they were engaged in coitus at the time of their demise. In all experiences with eyeing roadkill, especially the ‘Fresh Flesh,’ as we call it in the business, it is impossible to look away from bloodied, bloated beasts lying on the pavement.”
Mayor Gary Milner feels that Keller is in fact infringing on the rights of roadside carrion.
“Nobody wants to get run over and left to rot on the side of the road, with everyone in the community staring at their dead, vulnerable body” Milner said. “When I think of the potential roadkill that I have in my personal life, as well as the multitude of stupid, Suzuki susceptible souls wandering around our community, it gives me nightmares. What is even more terrifying, I can’t imagine the number of businessmen in town who would walk around staring at those sexy ‘streety sweeties’ with giant boners all day. Don Cranky? If dead organisms are legally able to sully our downtown streets, he might as well be called Don ‘Hanky Panky.'”
Cranky was unavailable for comment as of press time, because he was busy asking his lawyer to threaten local journalists with litigation for writing an article about his obsession with shampooing his Donald Trump inspired hair with dog semen while he was running for Congress. Cranky has also been busy dealing with an ASPCA investigation involving alleged nasty sexual escapades with animals at the Columbus Zoo. The investigation has already caused central Ohio hero and badass Jack Hanna to resign from his post as Columbus Zoo and Aquarium Director Emeritus. Hanna is currently speaking with Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith about becoming the head coach of the Buckeyes football team.
Councilman Joe Di Genova said the matter shouldn’t even be up for debate, because dead bodies have the same rights as live ones.
“All Lisa Keller is asking for is that we allow human beings and other animals who are fatally hit by vehicles to simply remain on the road until they decompose. It is a really simple, uncontroversial policy suggestion, in my opinion,” Di Genova said. “Because likewise, if I choose to lie down and rest for a few hours on the side of a public road for which I’ve paid dearly with my tax dollars, I would be horrified to experience a Delaware Creature Control van operator shoveling my supposed carcass into the closest ditch. It’s just un-American.”
Di Genova is known for his tendency to lie on local roadways. Constituents can often be seen in nearby woods watching and praying that he gets hit by a truck or an abnormally large bicycle.
“It is sickening to see the pile of dead victims of motor vehicle accidents lazily discarded in the trees by the water treatment plant off 23,” Di Genova said. “These brave men, women, and raccoons who gave their lives for their right to cross the street whenever the fuck they want deserve to be honored by all patriotic Americans. Simply look, honk, and wave, and for the love of Christ, don’t run over them again.”
City Manager Tom Homan requested delawareohionews.com not print anything said by Joe Di Genova.
“Joe can’t be expected to make credible comments while we are discussing adopting a child from China,” Homan said. “I mean, we are just good buddies, and we share a passion of watching Asian children grow up in movies. We just want to know what it’s like to see it happen in real life.”
“The first thing we’ll tell him or her is to not play in the street,” Homan said.