The Columbus Zoo & Aquarium says they expect another 5 to 10 animals to die this weekend because they don’t know what they are doing and don’t care enough to figure it out.

“We are great at naming animals and raising money, but we don’t know shit about breeding them or keeping them alive,” said Zoo President & CEO Tom Stalf. “But that’s okay. People like watching animals sleep and die, and we’re the best zoo in the country for that.”

VIP tickets for this weekend are on sale for $250 and include private seating near the mammal death chamber, a blood stained pair of khakis signed by Jack Hanna, and a sampling of exclusive panda flavored Dippin’ Dots.


Sources close to the Columbus Zoo say that Jack Hanna is considering coming out of retirement to help turn things around. Hanna resigned from his last position with the zoo in 2012 after being embroiled in an animal sex abuse scandal.

Image courtesy of andrewb94 on Flickr



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