City Council Completes Annual Drinking Binge, Plans For Regular Inebriation

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Delaware City Council threw a drunken rager before Monday’s meeting, celebrating another year of successfully fooling the public into believing in the importance of public institutions in Delaware.
While this wild, balls-out party has occurred annually since 1808, this year’s pants-dropper will be ushering in a new, more inebriated era in Delaware politics, according to Mayor Gary Milner.

“We think we owe it to our constituents to get a complete sampling of the deluded mindset of the average Delaware City voter before taking on such important issues as the newest pooper scooper laws,” Milner said, scratching his balls and turning his head to release a thunderous belch. “We really want to bring ourselves down to a base level so we can relate.”

Approximately 90 percent of Delaware citizens are at least half-drunk or totally shitfaced by midnight every day of the week, according to a poll conducted on April 12. Local man Greg Walkington said he is excited that City Council will be partying more in the future.

“I’ve been tellin’ those fools for years that we need to force at least one pizza or taco place to stay open all night,” Walkington said. “Now those bastards will have to take my advice!”

“Bitches,” Walkington added in the ethnic manner in which you would expect.

City Council will propose legislation to cut funding for public rehabilitation programs in order to keep City Hall Council Chambers stocked with at least four cases of Natural Light, three liters of Jagermeister, 160 jello shots, and a quart of Absinthe at all times.

“Obviously, rehabilitation programs are an important aspect of any community, and it will remain a priority,” Milner said. “However, there is a more pressing public interest in ensuring Wheels stays fucked up enough to avoid thinking about his imminent death, for example.”

‘Wheels’ is the nickname given to current vice-mayor Windell Wheeler.

“I made up that nickname because it will be at least twice as funny when he is finally required to roll around in a wheelchair,” Milner said. “The rest of the council has shot down my last 17 proposals to force Windell to use a wheelchair while performing public duties, but I have a feeling my friend Jagermesiter will change some hearts and minds this time around.”

City Manager Marge Lohan said consuming alcohol in the City Hall Chambers helps lighten the mood and promotes camaraderie.

“Chris Jones does a great Chris Farley impression after slamming a few jello shots, for instance,” Lohan said. “Otherwise, Jones is an abhorrent ass.”

Councilman Joe Di Genova said the pre-meeting party was so “epic” that the event needed to be repeated regularly.

“Carolyn Riggle – Big Rig, as we call her – busted into the conference room with a lampshade on her head, yelling ‘I’m the Queen of Zanzibar!’ We all lost it, and then took another shot because she mentioned a geographical location that was obviously somewhere black,” Di Genova said. “Then Lisa Keller, RoadKell, stood on the table and moved it like Bernie until I pissed myself laughing. It was more fun than we had expected.”

Andrew Brush was unable to take part in the evening’s festivities. At the blossoming age of 13, he is not yet of legal drinking age. He spent the majority of the night locked in a back office playing with tinker toys and sending text messages to his best-friend-forever Charley Rose, a local paperboy.

Brush was unavailable for comment because his stupid mom is making him go to his dumb piano recital even though he doesn’t even like it, and the teacher’s mean.

The meeting ended abruptly when Windell Wheeler passed out and hit his head on a table.

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.


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