Deer Splits Skull, Saves Life

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A deer struck a car early this morning, splitting an old woman’s skull and leaving her dead at the scene.

Astonishingly, the old woman was scheduled to donate several organs to her granddaughter (and end her own life in the process) only several hours later.

Melinda Stonenaval, 78, of Wadsworth, was terminally ill with cancer and her doctors gave her a grim prognosis. Her granddaughter also had severe health issues. Due to a titty-ferguson infection in her infancy, Susan Stonenaval was forced to wear saddle bags around town and lick sugar tablets out of a Christopher Columbus statue. Her organs had deteriorated and she needed multiple implants to survive.

The loving grandmother made the ultimate decision: she would cut her own life short and donate the needed organs to her granddaughter.

Grandmother Stonenaval was being driven to the hospital by her nurse when they struck the deer. The 235 pound animal penetrated the windshield and struck Ms. Stonenaval with its antler.

In a fairy tale twist, doctors say the accident actually saved Susan’s life.

“The accident allowed us to recover the organs and complete the surgery in a shorter amount of time. And we didn’t have much.” said the lead surgeon, Bernard Chimneydick. “Susan was deteriorating by the minute. She may have passed away if we had to wait any longer.”

Susan’s fiancé, Steve Haggard, said that he was extremely happy he and Susan would finally get to be married.

“I would fuck her grandmother’s dead carcass. I am that happy.” he said, yesterday afternoon, while waiting to receive Susan from the hospital.

The couple is expected to marry early next year.

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.

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