A Delaware man killed in a car accident this afternoon on Route 23 remains in critical condition at Riverside Hospital this evening, the State Highway Patrol reports.

According to investigators, the driver was pronounced dead at the scene before being masturbated on by several woodland critters who happened to have hands. Miraculously, the animal semen landing on his face made one of his eyes twitch, prompting the paramedics to declare him “basically dead, but possibly alive depending on what you consider to be alive.”

Stay tuned to Delaware Ohio News for more on the dead man being kept alive by words and animal semen.


  1. Who in the hell is this dude, and what planet did he land from????? So That makes me to believe that the story about the Zoo is also a fake, just some very sick way of trying to get his 15 seconds of fame. Well it didn’t work. He is sick and demented.


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