Following an accidental document release by the Catholic Church, Delaware Ohio News has learned that church officials across several continents are actively working on a secret, coordinated effort to revise portions of the Bible to better support institutional child abuse. 

According to anonymous sources who are aware of the undertaking but not authorized to speak on the record, the project received the green light in the wake of a recent grand jury report that found hundreds of priests in Pennsylvania abused more than 1,000 children over a period of 70 years. This is just latest episode in an ongoing sexual abuse scandal that continues to rock the church.

According to one church insider, Mo Yunghole, it is past time for the church to defend its practices more vigorously and reconcile their teachings with the reality of God’s will.

“For far too long, we have allowed our own teachings to set the tone of the conversation surrounding sexual abuse. A narrative we created has instructed people that it’s wrong. The truth is, we aren’t entirely sure that is the case. In a way, the very existence of our religion and its blind global following has created and enabled this problem,” Younghole said.

“We should have had this epiphany earlier, but I am glad the church has come to its senses and opted to take another approach. By rewriting the Bible, we can do a better job of explaining where God and the church stand on the issue of sexual abuse, and show that penetrating children is simply part of being a Catholic priest and that turning your back is part of being a Catholic.”

Asked for comment, Bishop Benjamin Inyakidsass of Tanzania said he was not familiar with the rewriting effort but that he favored updating the Bible to more accurately depict what the church represents.

“By updating the Bible to more accurately describe what we believe in, we will set more realistic expectations for parishioners and priests,” said Inyakidsass. “Currently there’s a sense that children won’t be penetrated and that church officials can be entrusted with the welfare of children. That is not the case. God is like nature: Brutal and completely amoral. The Bible already does a good job of depicting this but fails to explicitly support abuse, which is necessary for us to continue duping a billion people into funding our lawsuit settlements.”

Delaware Ohio News was able to obtain several of the new Bible passages and has compared them to the originals:

Ephesians 6:4

Old: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

New: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Should they act out yet, bring them to the nearest priest and have their rumps splayed forth.”

Proverbs 19:18

Old: Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.

New: Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death. If you must, lock him in the rectory, where a lurking priest may rape away all hope of rebellion.

Exodus 21:22

Old: When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman’s husband shall impose on him, and he shall pay as the judges determine.

New: When men strive together and hit a pregnant woman, so that her children come out, but there is no harm, the one who hit her shall surely be fined, as the woman’s husband shall impose on him, and he shall pay as the judges determine. When such a male child comes of age, he may receive gentle priestly thrusts over more brutal infiltration.

Mark 10:14

Old: But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.”

New: But when Jesus saw it, he was indifferent and said to them, “Let the priests cum in the children, or do not; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of shame.”

Proverbs 29:15

Old: The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

New: The rod and reproof take virginity; a child left at home instead of alone, blindfolded at the church brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 23:13-14

Old: Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

New: Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. If you rape him mercilessly with the rod, you will strip him of his spirit and drive him to desolation and deformity.

John 8:16-18

Old: Yet even if I do judge, my judgment is true, for it is not I alone who judge, but I and the Father who sent me. In your Law it is written that the testimony of two people is true. I am the one who bears witness about myself, and the Father who sent me bears witness about me.”

New: Yet even if I do judge, my judgment is true, for it is not I alone who judge, but I and the Father who sent me. In your Law it is written that the testimony of two people is true. I am the one who bears witness about myself, and the Father who sent me bears witness about me. Therefore, when children complain of rape, know that it was consensual, and that the Father sent me to clear their cavities of sin.”

Colossians 3:21

Old: Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

New: Fathers, do not ask questions of your children, lest they tell you that thy Father has burrowed deep within their ass and lived their for some time without asking permission.

Proverbs 6:20

Old: My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.

New: My son, give up all hope, and prepare to get fucked in the ass while your mother cooks dinner for the parish.

Revisions of additional passages are expected and will be published by Delaware Ohio News as they are obtained. The final updates are expected to be completed by this November, just in time for the Christmas Bible sales rush.

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