90% Hope God Is White

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Ninety percent of Delaware County residents hope God is white, according to a recent survey.

The survey results received a largely positive reaction from the community.

“Anyone who hopes God is anything other than white is an idiot,” said Dirk Palanski, McDonald’s crew member. “Who the hell would worship a brown person?”

The survey has been conducted in selected cities all over the country for the past three years by C.E.G.R., Coalition to Establish God’s Race.

Coalition president Greg Titkins said this is an issue that must be resolved.

“The people of the United States deserve to have their voices heard,” Titkins said. “We have a right to tell the world what color God is.”

Martin Hintz, pastor of Delaware Bible Church, said it is important to understand that God is white.

“Our church believes that the Bible is the perfect, inspired Word of God,” said Hintz. “All Christians know God’s Word is too logical for a colored person to have written it.”

Several Delaware residents point to the way Jesus is portrayed in contemporary art. Ariel Vagney, who is currently unemployed, said these pictures of Jesus are all the proof she needs that God is white.

“All the pictures I have ever seen of Jesus, who is God’s son, have shown him to be white,” Vagney said. “Even if Jesus was brown, I would still think God was just a white dude boning a black chick.”

The survey results in Delaware are similar to results in central Ohio, and in other cities around the country. The lowest percentage of people that hope God is white in central Ohio is 85%. The lowest in the country is 80%.

Representative Pat Tiberi (R-OH) said he is not surprised that his constituents support a Caucasian God.

“I have served the people of Delaware for several years,” said Tiberi. “I would quit this job today if the people of Delaware even flirted with the idea that God may not be white.”

“I think it is awful that most of my neighbors hope God is white,” said Robert Van Cont, a long time Delaware resident. “Nobody can know what color God is. All we can be sure about is that God hates gay people.”

In another survey conducted by C.E.R.G., 99% of Delaware residents hope God is straight.

Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/delawareohionews.

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