The first-ever White Castle Porta Potty Festival will be held at the Delaware County Fairgrounds this Summer August 13-15.
Fans of defecating in plastic outhouses surrounded by thousands of people in 100-degree heat can expect a “one-of-a-kind toilet experience,” according to festival committee chairman and White Castle CEO Ew Penguin.
“After a really tough year dealing with the COVD-19 pandemic, we wanted to come up with an event that would provide a fun, memorable experience to the residents of Central Ohio. We want to reward them for the hardships they have endured while helping them embrace what comes out of their assholes,” Penguin said. “Two of our goals for 2021 and beyond are to be better stewards of the environment and to use poop to sell more hamburgers. That’s how the idea for Porta Potty Fest was born.”
The three-day festival will feature new plant-based meat sliders from White Castle and numerous food trucks, live performances, vendors, novel sanitation technologies, and more than 5,000 portable toilets from around the world. It will be the largest collection of toilets assembled since India was founded in 1947.
A wide variety of toilets will be available, from antique chamber pots to cement pit latrines and TikTok influencer potties equipped with VR, AR, and live streaming equipment.
A gaming adventure, “The Amerikak Dream,” will challenge guests to improve their toilet experience, working their way up from a back alley toilet in L.A.’s skid row all the way to a swanky gold-plated lavatory from the Jeffrey Edward Epstein Wing of The Wexner Center for Human Trafficking and Sexual Assault at Ohio State University.
High-tech composting and recycling technology will also be deployed, including a machine that is equipped with advanced tracking technology that will enable an individual to track, and even broadcast, their excrement’s entire journey, from the first plop out of their anus all the way through its final transformation into reusable byproducts including water, fertilizer, electricity, and COVID-19 vaccines.
The inaugural event is sponsored by White Castle and presented in partnership with Sheetz and the Delaware Area Chamber of Commerce.
Sheetz regional manager Margaret Thatcher said the company is excited to participate in the event and believes it will be an entertaining way to introduce the convenience store brand to the community.
“We all use the restroom every day, but how often does it make us smile and think of a convenience store? Hardly ever,” Thatcher said. “But we can change that. We hope we can make Sheetz as synonymous with pleasurable bowel movements as White Castle is with wet shit flowing endlessly out of your ass for days at a time.”
Delaware resident and frequent pre-COVID festival goer Mo Hino said he is looking forward to a return to normalcy.
“I can’t wait to shit in a porta-potty again. It might sound strange, but I miss the days of watching the waste tank fill up and having to squat just above the pile to avoid getting other people’s poop on my ass,” Hino said. “If I get to do that on an imperial fecal throne from Japan, that’s even better. I heard they are going to have one. I bought VIP passes and will have enough LSD laxatives on hand to keep me and the boys stoolin’ all weekend.”