So you’re addicted to heroin and have to buy it all the time.
But from whom?
It’s the perennial challenge – finding and maintaining a suitable plug.
After the essential criteria of availability, fairness, and safety, there’s a fourth trait that makes an ideal drug dealer: a sense of humor.
Once the essentials are covered, humor is crucial to excellent customer-dealer relations.
Addiction is heavy – the shame, the guilt, the isolation. After a while, darkness swallows everything, and human connection is a rare source of light.
That’s why funny heroin dealers are so important.
They’re human, and they remind you that you are too.
So although they are the ones supplying the drug that’s breaking you down, they might also be the person who keeps you whole.
That’s why we set out to create this list. We wanted to help local heroin addicts find the funniest dealers in the area to establish more meaningful, potentially life-saving, connections with their suppliers.
Criteria and Evaluation Methods
First, we compiled a list of all known dealers and evaluated them based on the essential criteria of availability, fairness, and safety. If they weren’t taking care of the basics, they weren’t considered for the list, no matter how funny they were.
Once we had a list of safe, fair, and available dealers, we then evaluated them based on their sense of humor.
We used two established tests to evaluate humor: the Situational Humor Response Questionnaire (SHRQ) and the Sense of Humor Scale (SHS).
- The Situational Humor Response Questionnaire (SHRQ) measures the frequency individuals smile, laugh, and respond cheerfully in various situations. It is composed of 21 items describing both pleasant and unpleasant situations.
- The Sense of Humor Scale (SHS) measures playful vs. serious attitude, positive vs. negative mood, and six facets of sense of humor (enjoyment of humor, laughter, verbal humor, finding humor in everyday life, laughing at yourself, and humor under stress), which can be combined into one “humor quotient.”
We used a peer-reporting evaluation method with local addicts completing the questionnaires for each dealer on our list.
Once the results were in, we combined the scores and ranked the dealers to find our top five.
#5: Sarah Goddammit
Sarah comes from a prominent family of drug dealers, comedians, and degenerate pranksters. She has oppositional defiance disorder and is known for publicly taunting the authorities, often to humorous effect. A video of her mooning an undercover police officer and pooping on her shoes went viral last year.
Her secret backcountry compound includes strange toys, inappropriate decor, and a menagerie of random animals.
Customers are greeted by a faux motivational poster that reads, “You’re a drug addict, not Barack Obama!”
She also likes to offer people a ride on one of her horses, only to laugh when reminding them they’re too high to ride a horse and would probably kill themselves.
#4: Melissa QR
Melissa doesn’t take life too seriously, so she makes you feel like ruining your own isn’t a big deal.
“There are worse things than being a heroin addict,” she once said. “Like being alive.”
She often employs self-deprecating humor, sarcasm, and dark cynicism.
She asks new customers, “Does this face look like it could belong to a fucking cop?”
#3: Ozark Godammit
Not surprisingly, humor runs in families. Ozark is Sarah’s father and has been in the business longer than anyone on this list. Before becoming a heroin dealer, Ozark worked as a production assistant on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
He once told Johnny, “The only difference between you and a scum bag is the bag,” to uproarious laughter.
#2: Amir Electric
Amir is a character. A real goofball. Excursions to his trap are always an adventure. Sometimes he’ll hide product in funny locations, like underneath a bible or inside his girlfriend’s anus.
Sometimes he’ll pretend to be mute, sitting for long swaths of time without saying a word. Then he’ll fall over laughing right before it becomes too awkward to bear.
He’s been known to alternate between quacking like a duck, barking like a dog, and performing sus rap freestyles in the style of the late great Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
#1: Pedro Tentacion
Pedro is a heroin dealer with a heart of gold. He just makes you feel good. Even when you look like complete shit after years of destroying yourself, he greets you with the same smile and sense of warmth as he would family.
He also has a wholesome, reassuring sense of humor that fuses his religious beliefs with a sense of honesty often lost in the throes of addiction.
He once told a local addict, “God’s going to love you when he meets you, my friend! That won’t be today, though. There’s very little fentanyl in this. Just the right amount.”
There you have it—the five funniest heroin dealers in Delaware, Ohio. We hope you can use this list to improve your dealer relationships and bring some levity to your journey through hell.
Do you have any anecdotes or funny heroin stories to share? Let us know in the comments!