Every lot and secret spot was parked up downtown yesterday for Paws & Prevention themed night of confusion.
October’s theme was decided by committee during the collective crash of the group after a 4 day run of bangs to the jugular. Main Street Delaware say the members of its event planning committee were all discovered and hired at United Methodist Church recovery program, which provides support for people suffering from both separation anxiety and addiction to intravenously administered methamphetamine.
Main Street office assistant, Neega Wot, explains:
The [event planning] committee didn’t realize everything they muttered to themselves during the allotted time to create and schedule this event went unrecorded. Further, when one member disappeared- presumably to the south end of town– to purchase more methamphetamine, the remaining members became inconsolable and agitated. Mainstreet Organizer said ‘just go with dogs, boring people love dogs’. To prevent aggravated assaults and permanent self-mutilation, we compromised with an irascible member refusing to relent on the inclusion of fire prevention.
Delaware residents say they don’t even care what theme or shape First Fridays take as long as everyone else is down there, doing the same thing.
Residents enjoyed free pumpkins, firetrucks, $10 dog treat treasure maps, police competition with firemen for female attention, and two contests.
The first contest, hosted by the Delaware County District Library, offered an award for a furry fandom suit with the most realistic genitalia. Only one entry was recorded. Judges awarded the entrant a fourth place ribbon.
The second contest, organized by Main Street Delaware, combined the heart of the event’s disjointed themes: man’s best friend and the mastery of fire. Participants and their pups lined up eagerly for their chance to complete the mile long, or twenty-one minute, obstacle course, Ghost Rider for Dogs Race on Fire. Not a single dog on Earth has ever completed the course.
Residents watched as, one by one, dogs splooshed through gas in the Ignition Splash Pool, then set ablaze with grill lighters, before generally burning up after sixty-three feet, or six minutes. Splooge, a 8 month old Australian Shepherd , made it the furthest through the course at 178 feet, or eighteen minutes. Tears of grief and victory rolled down his owners face as DPD officers stomped out the still-flaming Splooge, and she was crowned Best Dog Trainer in Central Ohio.
Jonathan, 8, of Hayes Colony said, “Best. Day. Ever. 57 real dogs died on fire, like when I use the torch hack in Minecraft! Mom got me 2 hotdogs and a Ciao ice-cream. The crazy barking hurt my ears though.”
As the event came to a close, police began sweeping ash and carcasses into storm drains, as the moon smiled upon the once again empty streets.
