Drug Dealer Goes Green

The laundry list of those going green received an unlikely addition today: Drug dealer Tony Torch.

Torch, a long-time Drug Lord and founder of Blanco Deez, an East Side crime syndicate that controls 90% of the county’s drug supply, laid out a plan to make his operation more environmentally conscious, a source says.

In an organization-wide email, Torch announced environmental guidelines to be followed by all of his personnel, as well as specific organizational changes that will affect how the group does business.

According to an inside source, the organization is buying bikes to reduce emissions, installing solar panels to produce clean electricity, building a waste treatment facility to deal with excess chemicals from meth labs, and switching to biodegradable baggies and containers for distribution of their products. Torch wrote with passion, detailing the importance of the changes and including descriptions of what life could be like living underwater or with air clouded with black smog.

“I refuse to go another day operating grow houses and meth labs that are aiding in the destruction of our planet,” the email said. “We need to think about the children, the future generations.”

A committee has also been put together by the organization to pinpoint other areas that can be improved upon and to ensure that the new plan is instituted and complied with.

And, in a move out of a political handbook, Torch declared that other dealers and associates who adopted similar policies would be given premium prices on narcotics.

“We are all in this together,” Torch explained. “Those helping make a difference should be rewarded.”

The internal source implied that those who don’t follow the rules within the organization will probably drown mysteriously in Alum Creek or accidentally fall out of a window.

“Mr. Torch respects the independence of other organizations, but there’s no way he will accept any dissent from within Blanco Deez,” the source explained. “He obviously takes this issue very seriously.”

An anonymous cocaine dealer on the North Side seemed to agree with Torch’s changes.

“He makes a lot of good points. If acid rain starts falling over South America, I’m fucked,” the man concluded. “I’d never be able to sell an ounce of cocaine again.”

While only time will tell whether Torch’s revolutionary stance takes hold in the drug industry, it is evident that the idea of environmental consciousness has reached nearly every segment of the community.