Delaware Ohio News Little League Team in First Place

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Midway through the regular season, the Delaware Ohio News (DON) Little League team is 10-0 and in first place in the Delaware Parks and Recreation summer league.

The upstart DON team is dominating the competition under first year head coach Oltice Walker Booth, who is proving to be a nightmare for opposing coaches and players.

“Nobody wanna mess wid us,” Booth said. “The bats ain’t jus’ for da balls, nahm sayin’?”

The DON team is batting an incredible .375 at the plate, and has blasted 25 home runs. They have already broken the single season record of 20 home runs set by the Woodland Cigar Company team two years ago. Defensively, the pitching has been outstanding and has maintained a team ERA of 1.34.

The team is led by star 12 year-old pitcher/slugger Frito Lynnwood, who is batting .450 with 13 home runs. He also throws heat in the mid 80’s and has an ERA of 0.44.

Dave Coppington, head coach of the 2-8 Clancey’s Pub team, said everyone is terrified to face Lynnwood.

“My entire team purposely crapped their pants so we would have to forfeit after seeing him warm up,” Coppington said. “My team will apparently need a lot more booze next time to acquire the courage to face him.”

Lynnwood isn’t the only force to be reckoned with on team DON.

In Sunday night’s 12-1 win against the Chandra’s Bistro team, team DON shortstop Todd Snakely hit for the cycle for the first time in the history of Mingo Park.

“Me no rikey praying dem at all. Not at all,” said team Chandra’s Bistro pitcher Bong Wang.

Pathetic Delaware Gazette team head coach Pussy Bottom said he thinks team DON may be cheating, and is requesting to see Lynnwood’s birth certificate.

“There’s just no way this kid could be 12 years old,” Bottom said. “I caught him in bed with my wife last week. His dick is way too big for a 12 year-old. He’s got to be at least 14, right?”

Team Delaware Gazette, which is in last place at 0-10, has been the most anemic Little League team in recent memory. They have been shut out by every team except the drunken Clancey’s Pub team, who were scored on once while taking shots after a wild pitch. Their frail, misshapen bodies barely look human. They have been nicknamed “Team Paget’s Disease” by all other teams in the league.

Team DON faces the second place Amato’s Pizza team on Wednesday night. Team DON is favored by only 4 runs at this point, but has been steadily rising throughout the day. Hit up your closest Little League bookie soon to cash in on team DON.


Team Wins Losses
Delaware Ohio News 10 0
Amato’s Pizza 8 2
Woodland Cigar Company 7 3
Chandra’s Bistro 5 5
Clancey’s Pub 2 8
Delaware Gazette 0 10



Sofa Malone
Sofa Malone
Delaware Ohio News Editor-in-Chief. Connect with Sofa via the Delaware Ohio News Facebook Page:


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