In an announcement that can only be seen as dystopian performance art, Columbus Mayor Andrew Ginther has implemented a revision to his previously established curfew order. The mandatory midnight embargo, initially intended for the entirety of the Short North Arts District, now zooms in on a specific population: Blue-Haired People and their allies. The mayor’s office might as well start handing out Orwell’s “1984” as the new city manual.
Mayor Ginther outlined his ominous new directive in a press conference reminiscent of a bad dream. “Our data points to a distinct group as the epicenter of violence and crime in the Short North: Blue-Haired People and those sympathetic to them,” he declared with the grim air of a man bearing an uncanny prophecy.
Under this mandate, the definition of a Blue-Haired Person now includes those whose hair shines with cerulean hues and those who support them — friends, family, or anyone who’s ever liked a post of their rebellious hairdos on social media. It also includes people with penises who like to suck on other penises and people with vaginas who like vaginas.
“The blue-haired, and their collaborators, have become a destabilizing force in the Short North Arts District,” Ginther stated with an austere expression. “Their vibrant hair, unorthodox artistic expressions, and an inexplicable affinity for hope have disrupted the neighborhood’s tranquility.”
When probed whether Blue-Haired People and their allies were causing issues in other districts, the Mayor responded, “These individuals are uniquely concentrated in Short North. It’s a puzzle as intricate as their idyllic worldview.”
Search trends like “how to tell if you are the problem” and “alternative hair-accepting neighborhoods in Columbus” have spiked since the announcement. Local hair salons are overwhelmed with bookings for ‘hair color correction’ procedures.
The absurdly specific directive sends a chilling message to the residents of Short North, especially the Blue-Haired and their allies. They’re meeting this draconian measure resiliently, planning quiet discussions and peaceful protests, demonstrating that arbitrary hair-color-focused policies cannot dampen their spirit.
The rest of Columbus is left in an eerie silence, contemplating whether any of the city’s actual issues will be addressed or if they should anticipate the next whimsical swing of policy based on hair color, sock pattern, or maybe even pizza topping preferences.
Is this innovative governance or a bleak dive into an arbitrary abyss? Only time, and possibly the color of your hair, will reveal the truth. And for all you Blue-Haired People and allies in the Short North, remember: come sunset, your city asks you to disappear into the closet from whence you came.
10 Surefire Ways to Get Shot in the Short North Arts District