A hammered drunk man wielding a machete is wandering around downtown Delaware.
“Our advice is to avoid eye contact and walk away from the Machete,” said Delaware Police spokesperson Johnny McClintock, confirming reports.
The man’s routine of clanging the machete against light poles while screaming, “All of you motherfuckers are fucking dead!” has become as commonplace as the occasional loud motorcycle roaring through the streets. Shops are still open, restaurants are still serving, and people are going about their day – though perhaps more alert.
Some people have seen a bloody dog’s head peeking from the man’s bag. It’s unclear whether there’s a whole dog in there. It could just be the severed head of a Yorkshire terrier. Nobody’s asked, and the machete man hasn’t said anything. It’s just one of those things people don’t talk about. So far, that’s worked out fine.
“I saw the bloody head poking out of his bag,” said resident Emily Baxter. “It may have been a Miniature Schnauzer. It didn’t worry me. Drunk people with machetes kill or injure things sometimes. It’s none of my business.”
Main Street Delaware, known for their popular First Friday events, isn’t canceling any upcoming events.
“Nothing can dampen the vibrancy of the Delaware community,” said Executive Director Courtney Hendershot. “Even Mr. Drunk Machete Man. As long as, you know, he doesn’t chop a child’s head off or something like that. That wouldn’t be on-brand.”
Mayor Carolyn Riggled echoed this sentiment in her weekly newsletter. “Delaware is as safe and welcoming as always,” she wrote. “Even with our local machete man and his bloody dog head. Some days you wait for pedestrians to cross; others, you cower against the wall with your family as the crazy guy passes. That is life in America.”