Happy Man Taken In For Questioning

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Delaware Police officers arrested a man late last night on suspicion of reckless happiness.

Craig Robertson, a 42 year old machinist from Akron, was seen smiling and skipping while returning to his car on North Sandusky Street. According to police, Robertson was seen merrily ambling back to his vehicle after withdrawing his Christmas bonus from a downtown ATM.

“We can’t stand happy people” said Sergeant Bob Nimrod. “We’ve done our duty to keep the citizens of Delaware frowning for years, and we plan to keep it that way. Those from out of town will not be treated differently.”

While there is no explicit law prohibiting the act of being happy in Delaware, police say they must use preemptive measures to keep local terrorism under control.

“These kinds of actions by police are completely necessary for local security after 9/11,” said Officer Dildod Foarskim. “Those attackers were probably really happy before they crashed the planes, because they thought they were going to get to have sex with them virgins. So we deduce that all people showing signs of happiness are suspects in an eventual crime.”

Kimtod was quick to add that quelling local terror is not the only reason to be suspicious of cheerful people.

“We are also just pissed off because our lives really suck,” Nimrodk said. “Six year olds throw bacon at me, teenagers tell me to ‘go fuck my hog wife,’ and college students just laugh at us because they know they are better than we will ever be.”

Police say a person can be stopped for smiling, laughing, giving a thumbs up, cheering, doing a cartwheel, giving a high or low five, skipping, hopping, and throwing a snowball playfully.

“But we are always looking for additional suspicious happy actions,” Nimrod said. “So don’t be afraid to call 911 if you see anyone appearing ecstatic, joyous, upbeat, or satisfied.”

None of the Delaware citizens we questioned would comment, because they don’t want to put a target on their backs.

One anonymous citizen said, “I hope all Delaware Police Officers get AIDS and then go fuck their wives, children, and each other.”

All of the citizens said something similar to the previous comment off the record.

An anonymous source within the department said that officers are instructed to target students and young people, as they generally have the most fun. Robertson, the source says, was a rare case.

Robertson was released after several hours of questioning and verbal abuse.

He was not immediately available for comment, and probably will never come to Delaware again.

Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye
Ricardo Paye is a Senior Correspondent with Delaware Ohio News. Born and raised in the Delaware County Fairgrounds, he's a reporter with a deep knowledge of the streets who isn't afraid to ask tough questions. His fondest childhood memory is getting a hand job from a public utility worker in the basement of Pilsner's 5 & Dime store. He holds a bachelor's degree in Euthanasia from Ohio Wesleyan University.

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