An angry drunk psycho shot at a group of teens in his backyard Friday night after they allegedly laughed at him for being an angry drunk psycho.
The man told Delaware police that he was halfway through a bottle of Jack Daniels when he saw neighborhood kids walk through his backyard. When he stumbled outside to confront them, he was told to take his little drunk penis back inside and go to sleep.
Enraged, the man charged the teens but tripped on his steps and fell into the grass. The teens then began laughing and throwing chicken nuggets at him. Some of the nuggets were dipped in sauce.
The man pulled a gun and started screaming, “Enjoy your chickie nugs in hell, you little woke cunts!” and shot 15 rounds into his lawn.
The teens ran, and the man placed a call to police stating that he had just fired shots at armed individuals in his backyard.
Law enforcement responded with the Delaware Tactical Unit, the Ohio State Highway Patrol Aviation Unit, and the Delaware Police Department Drone Team and searched the area for 12 hours. No one was located, and there were no identified injuries from the situation. 24 chicken nuggets were recovered.
“We could tell the man was drunk, but he’s a militiaman and insurrectionist, and those guys are generally pretty trustworthy. We believed his story even though he was covered in barbeque sauce,” said Delaware Police captain Zack Derpyderpster. “Alcoholic militiamen are some of the most stable and sane people we have in our community, so when they’re out shooting their guns into the grass at 10 pm on a weekday evening in one of the safest neighborhoods in one of the safest cities in one of the safest counties in the state, there’s generally a good reason for it.”
An anonymous source within the Delaware Police Department said it was an opportunity to use a lot of their expensive gear in a low-stakes situation.
“This is the kind of situation law enforcement lives for,” the source said. “There is no real threat, but nobody knows that but us, so we get to put on the whole show and play pretend for a few hours. It’s pretty badass. We have an infrared drone, for christ’s sake.”
Police say no charges are expected and they hope this happens again soon.